2019: A review

2019 was an eventful year to say the least.

Jan: Thought I was pregnant, like really believed it. Turned out not to be. Experienced deep disappointment in the midst of it. Decided not to go to Kenya as an act of faith that I would be pregnant. Started leading Friday prayer.

Ash started Thrivent.

Mar: Ash completed intro period at Thrivent. Started really struggling at work due to very difficult boss. I Joined CT at church.

April: Easter bombings in Sri Lanka, Ash traveled to SL, dealing with financial crisis in family. This ended up being a blessing as his sister moved in w/ his parents as a result.

May: Was hospitalized with pneumonia, A1C very high. This began a journey toward health for me, a reversal of bad health

June: Felt God say I've been healed of all my diseases and I can conceive. Ash was baptized, gave first testimony at church. House permits went out from city, first big step toward the build.

July: Team left to Kenya without me and I wasn't pregnant. Huge sense of loss. This ended up leading to Betsy taking on role of Executive Director for Alabaster. Sometimes, stepping back actually launches things forward. Library launched!

Aug: Nuru became ill with discoid lupus. Plunged into state of uncertainty and anxiety over her life. Revealed deep fears I have about loved ones and God's plans for them. Began deeper intercession for her. Received very clear word about her life.

Sept: Growth in ministry, leading Immerse, possibility of preaching at church. Growth for Ash with devotions

Oct: Possibility of Kottu Labs for Ash

Nov: Became CIO and moved into Exec Team at work; Preached for 1st time at Portal; Ash surrendered need for money, gave up $1million check; Ash's boss removed -- answered prayer.

Dec: Cat resigns very suddenly, things at work uncertain, didn't get pregnant in 2019, food poisoning for Christmas. Ash gave testimony at church; Ash's father hospitalized. Nuru still on meds, but starting to improve. Ash lost his wallet and learned something precious about God in the midst of it. Endonyolasho gets permanent clinic worker!

Overall, I felt that this year would be a year of invisible things and of margin. In some ways it was and some ways it wasn't. All I know is that this year was in many ways a breakthrough year for Ash which I praise God for. He was launched in many ways: career, ministry, relationship with God.

For me, it was a very difficult year spiritually as I had to face many deep fears and insecurities and operate from the invisible, in places of delay and in many cases in places where the opposite of what I prayed for occurred. In many areas, this was a year of loss for me, loss of control, loss of expectation, loss of me knowing God in a certain way. I questioned my ability to hear from God, I questioned His goodness, I questioned His plans toward me and for me. I questioned whether He loves me, whether He is for me or against me.

I don't know what 2020 holds. But I enter into it very soberly. Knowing that God is King and I am a mere servant. Not in a resigned way, but in a reverent way, understanding that His plans will always be higher than my plans. Even as I was throwing up violently on Christmas, not understanding why God would allow me to experience this on a day where He had promised gifts for me, I uttered out that I trust Him and that I trust that He will restore all that's been lost.

Perhaps He is the ultimate Gift. And that is enough. 

So I enter into 2020 really only knowing one thing. A thing that's been engraved in me over this year in many painful, but eternal ways. It's been etched into my bones, carved into me, as unbelief has been carved out.

It's simple but powerful:

God is always Good. No matter what.

In the Middle

One of my favorite worship leader's daughter died in her sleep a week ago. She had just released an album with a song called In the Middle of It. Talking about how to find God in the midst of chaos, destruction, despair, loss.

And then her daughter died. She went to sleep and never woke up.

And the world around this worship leader erupted, either with emphatic cries for resurrection, outpouring of grief or skepticism at their response to the death: instead of despair, they faced the situation with praise and the belief that God could bring her back to life.

She never rose.

How do we move in this space now?

When someone who has devoted her life to God and led people to the throne room of God, cried out for a miracle and didn't get it. How does she, how do we, how do I navigate God in this space?

See, this death isn't like some drunk driver hit her and died and so there's some rationale like well God loves the victim and the perpetrator the same, etc. etc.

This death feels FROM God. That He allowed it in a very purposeful way. After all, this young girl was 2, her whole life ahead of her, not ill, not broken. So why take her?

WHY

This why has echoed throughout the world, but it feels deafening in my spirit today. Why God do You allow these types of things to happen and for what purpose?

And more importantly, how do we trust You, believe You are safe, when we see You allow these circumstances?

It's true, you give and take away.

I'm realizing I don't know how to move with you in the "take away" seasons. I don't know how to trust you.

And today, for the first real time, I confessed this to Jesus:

I'M TERRIFIED OF HAVING A CHILD.

It feel a terror, a sense of loss of control, a stepping into an abyss where I'm falling and I don't know where the ground is and if it is there, is it going to catch me or kill me?

I'm realizing that I have a deep fear in my heart that God is out to get me, that He has hard things only for me. That He will use my life to glorify Himself no matter what the impact to me.

Today I heard Him say: I don't glorify Myself at your expense

But don't you God? You allowed this little girl to die, suddenly, tragically, without warning. I'm assuming at some point You will be glorified and good will come from it. But isn't that at the expense of this mother's grief? Won't she carry around a lifelong wound? Won't she often question Your goodness?

And yet you allowed this loss and death.

So are You safe? Are You worthy of our trust when You are seemingly unpredictable?

I'm so scared of having sick child. Or to one day find my child dead.

I'm scared of loss, of heartbreak, of grief.

And yet, God is inviting me into this. He is inviting me into the journey of motherhood where loss, grief and heartbreak are inevitable. Where I won't ever fully know what's in store.

His invitation is to find Him, right in the middle of it. To find Him right in the middle of my every why. To journey with Him in the unknown perhaps to find out this truth:

That He is always good, always worthy of my trust and always working on my behalf, no matter what.

God, I don't know how to get rid of my fear or to trust you, a God who is totally Other.

I grieve my unknowing honestly.

But today, I open my hands reluctantly and say yes to your invitation. A feeble yes, a tentative yes, but a yes, nonetheless.

I have no idea what story you have in store for me and Ash. I have no idea what kind of losses and heartbreak we will have to endure.

But I have to know, deep down, of this:

I will find You always right in the middle of it.

Rest in power O.H.

The 3 Days

I always wonder what it was like for the people closest to Jesus during the 3 days between His death and His resurrection? What would have been like to have walked so closely with someone, seen so many miracles, hear so many promises of victory and deliverance and then see those horrifically come to an end? And then...silence. Waiting...Nothingness...3 days. 

Why did Jesus wait a whole 3 days to reveal Himself, to rise from the dead? I mean He could have risen after 1 day? or 2 days? Why 3 days?

Somehow in those 3 days, God allowed the disciples and those closest to Jesus to feel the incredible weight of their disappointment, their dashed expectations, their doubt and perhaps even anger. 

Have you ever experienced this type of "3 days"?

It's similar to the delay we see in John 11 when Jesus comes on to the scene after Lazarus is already dead. He knew he was sick, but waited and seemed to delay. 

Delay

What is the purpose of delay?

I'm realizing for me, delay unearths every untruth I have about God. It reveals every shakiness in my faith. It uproots every area of unbelief, of anger, of mistrust, of worry, of faithlessness, of fear, of the lie that God is out to get me. 

Delay has purpose. 

It could either kill you or launch you into greater depths of intimacy with Jesus than ever before. 

Delay is a time of darkness. Not evil darkness, not negative darkness, but a time of stillness, where all human doing, human focus comes to a standstill. 

What else can we do when we are in a time of delay? Yes, we can run from it. But if we really want the precious things in secret places, treasures in darkness, we need to submit to the darkness of delay...where we are only reliant on God. Every other distraction, thoughts of fleeing, temptation to control or even get angry is swallowed by the Great Darkness of a Good God. 

The Great Darkness. 

Seems so counterintuitive, but it's true. 

Psalm 18 says: "He made darkness His covering, His canopy around Him"

Why would God make darkness His canopy and covering? Why not bright light? Why not bring clarity instead of blindness?

Same with those 3 days right? Why delay? Why on the road to Emmaus was Jesus not recognizable to them at first? 

What is the purpose of this type of darkness?

Those 3 days were characterized by darkness, by delay, by an invisibility of God.

But God may be shrouded in darkness, but it doesn't mean He's not present. 

Presence and invisibility are not mutually exclusive. 

God can be present, but not fully seen. Those 3 days were so characterized by this. 

I too am in delay, in darkness, in my "3 days"

And yes, it's been devastating. I've felt so alone, so lost, so unseen by God. 

But I wonder if this season of delay actually isn't about me being seen by God, but actually about me seeing God. Yes, learning to see God even as He makes darkness His canopy. Perhaps this season is about me seeing God and in doing so realizing that God ALWAYS sees me. 

That's probably why most of the time I want to run from this season. In this season, "me" is de-throned and God is supreme. I'm not the center of attention, it's not about my agenda or even ultimately my desires. It's about God ALONE. And that's really hard. Because humanity always bends towards itself. 

Perhaps that's the real meaning of Christmas as well. Christmas is not really about us being born again in Jesus and being seen by Him, but it's about Jesus coming IN. It's about Jesus being seen, being in the center, being magnified, glorified. 

So of course, we cover it with lights, color, tinsel and make it about us and not about Jesus. But the reality of Christmas is truly this:

it was a silent night. 

Silent, not lots of distraction. Night, not much else is seen except the coming of the Savior of the world. 

The coming of Jesus happened in darkness, in silence, in stillness. Similar to those 3 days. Jesus rose in the midst of darkness, in silence, in stillness. 

The bottom line is this:

Jesus comes. Not is coming, not came, but comes. Ongoing. Present. Never ceasing. 

He comes in the delay, He comes in the darkness, He comes in the silence, He comes in the stillness, He comes in the waiting. 

He comes. This is hope. That He comes. 

I was wrong

It's 12/11/19 and I'm on my period. Which conclusively means that I didn't get pregnant in 2019.

This ENTIRE year, month after month, I've been waiting. Checking. Praying. Longing. Incessantly tracking my temps, using ovulation sticks, charts, supplements, etc. All because I was convinced God had told me I would get pregnant this year.

But I was wrong.

God never actually told me that. 

I never thought to actually check back through my journals to look at the many words and impressions God has been giving me since He first started me on this journey of motherhood. The only word He actually ever gave me about pregnancy was from Psalm 31 and specifically this: "my times are in His hands."

That's it. He never gave me a date. He never told me 2019. He never told me before age 35. He may have told others dates. All turned out to be wrong. And that's ok. I've always known that precious things of this intimate nature will always only be between me and Him.

I desperately wanted it to happen this year. Before I turned 35, before the team left for Kenya, before the end of 2019, before I went to Hawaii, etc, etc.

But that was me, NOT God.

Me, not God.

Feels like such an important phrase right now. This isn't about me, it's about God. His ways, His agenda, His story, His timing, His timeline. Not Me.

I've spend an entire year being so selfish. Being so fixated on wanting this to happen in a certain time and all God wanted to give me was gifts. Not yet the gift of a child, but the gift of deep prayer, the gift of raising others up, the gifts of promotion at work and growth in ministry, gifts of better health, stronger marriage, deeper dreams for my husband.

And I feel like I've been missing out on so many gifts because I've fixated on the one gift that God never said He was going to give me this year.

The most recent word He has repeated to me over and over again has been: wait. and heritage. That God protects heritage and chooses it, He allots our portions.

So all this time I've been crying out because I've been feeling like I've been in this limbo state, a state between God's promise to me and my reality, both seeming like two poles opposing one another. But the truth is, God's promise stands above and beyond my reality. It's supersedes it, it superimposes it, so much so that sometimes it's an invisible layer that can only be seen thru deep intercession that crosses the boundary of doubt, anger, fear and disappointment.

I was never going to get pregnant this year. 

Man, I wish I had known that 1/2019. I may have done things so differently. But the truth is, God redeems all things and He takes our mistakes and makes fruit even out of misplaced seeds.

So the exciting thing is, God has not yet said ANYTHING about 2020 and what it holds for me in terms of getting pregnant and being a mother. Not one thing. All He has said so far is wait.

WAIT.

But waiting is anything but passive. It's so full of God, so full of hope, so full of expectation, so full of anticipation.

So I can hear from God and God's words and promises are trustworthy. But I'm still human and make mistakes. Big surprise there...

I'm so sorry God. I'm so sorry Jesus for taking your precious words and impressions and trying to fit them into my agenda and timeline. I repent of trying to put so much "me" into the story YOU are creating. I'm so sorry.

I can finally close the chapter on this season of misinformation I brought upon myself. I breathe it out. I breathe out a sigh of relief that it's done. I no longer need to hold on to something that isn't yet mine.

You said wait. You said in its time You will move swiftly.

I believe You.

And N., I know you are in heaven awaiting your entrance into the world.

Can These Bones Live?

God asks us this, not the other way around. I don't think I ever realized that. In this well-known passage in Ezekiel 37, it's not the prophet that asks if dry bones can live, but God asks him this.

Why does God ask us a question? Why would God ask this if He knew He could turn bones into an army?

I think perhaps He was calling out faith. God can do miracles in our lives, but what's the point of doing miracles if we miss out on the greater gift...? the Gift of knowing the bigness, the wonder and the sovereignty of God?

I think God had to engage the prophet in this way. He made him come face-to-face with the death, the nothingness, the dryness of that valley. The word says, God led him "back and forth" through the valley.

Why would God make him go back and forth, face-to-face with the stench of zero? And in the midst of that ask him if these bones can live?

What is the greater thing God calls out of us when we are in the valley? 

In this passage, it's faith, not just any faith, but a courage to come face-to-face with nothing and believe that in the midst of this, God is.

God is. 

Of course the prophet answers in a self-preserving, sort of detached way:"Only You know God." I mean it sounds holy and humble, but to me, it also has the sting of resignation in it. "Well, how would I know? Everything is dead. Obviously only you know God."

What does God do when we have resigned to the outcome? When we have allowed our reality to overshadow His greater Reality?

He shows up and shows off! That's what God does. And in His infinite grace, He uses us to glorify Himself.

God could have just caused the dry bones to come to life on His own, but He did it through the prophet. He allowed the prophet to prophesy to the bones to cause life to spring forth.

God is so gracious to use ordinary beings to manifest His glory. 

And as this miracle happens, not only does the prophet see it, but he hears it. He said, and there was a sound. 

What does it sound like when life overcomes death? When miracles spring up? When fruit is borne out of nothingness?

I want to be a person who can behold this sound, even before I see it.

Can we be people of the sound?

This miracle is so layered because the word then says that the bones came together with muscle, flesh and skin, but they had no breath.

That's a terrifying picture don't you think? They were like zombie people or something, alive in body, but dead in soul?

So sometimes miracles happen in stages. 

Bones turned into skin and flesh, but they weren't actually alive yet.

Breath had to be called upon and it says, the breath not only brought them to life, but the bones became an exceedingly vast army.

Bones to army. Death to life. Dryness to breath.

Why didn't the bones come together and also have breath all at once? Why the stages?

Perhaps it was to highlight the importance of the breath or otherwise known as the spirit.

The spirit wasn't the same as flesh, skin and muscle. It was other. An entity in of itself.

And then God talks about open graves.

Open graves.

Where are the areas in our lives where we need open graves? Where we want the sting of death to be broken? Where we want barrenness to be shattered and that grave opened forever?

And then God talks about lands, being brought back, being settled. All for His glory: so that you may know I am God. 

What is my so that you may know?

What is the area in my life that God wants total glory and credit for?

Our so that you may know is often the deepest grave, the driest place, the loneliest valley, the most "bony" place. It is in these places that God arises. It is in these places that He awakens faith and asks:

Can these bones live?

In the Secret Place

In the darkness, in the secret
You are most present
Most alive

We feel Your breath
Your Four Winds renewing every tattered place
In the silence of darkness, Your Voice echoes

In the secret place we hear the Sound
The Sound of valley-ed bones given breath
In darkness is the ground made ripe for life
In secret is the greatness of Your move known

So we welcome you dark
We welcome you silence
We seek you O secret place
For in the secret place:
we are made new

*********************************************************************************

The cells move into formation in the secret place
In the swallows of darkness, life springs up
It finds a way in the secret place
Cells turn to tissue, tissue into tendons, tendons to muscle, muscle into bone
Bone into skin, skin into breath, breath into
Spirit

N., you were given to me in this secret place. Your spirit birthed first. And soon you will be formed in the secret place. Soon, the world will know this:

In the secret place, the world is changed, one treasure at a time. 

Press Into Weakness

In this season, I am realizing that I am more weak than I am strong. For a enneagram 3, this is rough. We pride ourselves on achieving, excelling, being the best. But I'm realizing the path to greatness is paved with lots of weakness, lots of facing one's inadequacy, lots of choosing the harder thing, the thing that will expose all of my soft spots.

God is calling me into new places, places of creativity, places where I am out of my element. For the most part, I naturally operate out of my giftings. Worship leading, being a leader at work, starting nonprofits.

But now...God is saying, don't choose what your gifts dictate. Don't choose what may come naturally to you. Choose the harder thing, choose God and what He wants to release, which may or may not come naturally to me.

See choosing the harder thing = pressing into weakness = requires faith

Have you ever engaged in something that seems way-less? That feels so impossible that you tangibly feel the weight of your inadequacy? You tangibly experience your zero?

Most of us don't because this is supremely uncomfortable. It's stressful, its unnerving and frankly, it's really inconvenient.

See, God specializes in glorifying Himself in way-less places. In places where humanly there is no way forward. In places that seem at a standstill, paralyzed, stuck, hopeless.

But to experience His glory, we must choose to be weak. Choose hard things. Choose to peer into the darkness and discover the treasure. We will never discover, if we don't press in and if we don't press in, we will never truly know His glory or be launched fully into the great purposes God wants to establish in and through us.

Being a mother feels like a way-less place. The possibility of preaching in church feels like a way-less place. Seeing homelessness in Skid Row come to an end most definitely feels like a way-less place.

I could easily run. It would be so much e a s i e r. Just say no, self-protect, "take a break," say I'm too busy, say I need rest. These aren't bad things, but in this season, I know these are pathetic excuses.

I have to P R E S S in. Face my fears, face my inadequacy, choose the much harder thing. Peer into the dark. Find my way to the secret places, the places that aren't always fun, successful, or productive, but SO full of God.

What is my secret place in this season? What is the "dark" God is calling me to peer into? What is my weakness I'm supposed to press into?

I think for me, it's pressing into the fact that I can't make myself get pregnant. I am totally at the mercy of God. And instead of running from this fact, I need to make a home there. I need to build a home within this reality, within this truth and dwell here until God moves.

I think for me, it's pressing into the fact that God will always call me into things that I can't do without Him. Where's the fun in only doing things you are good at? Suck at something every day, I think is another way of saying, press into weakness. Whether that's being a mother, song-writing, preaching, being an executive, advocating, I will need to face my inadequacy and learn to find the bridge from my inadequacy to Jesus and make Him my starting point.

See so that's the ultimate truth: pressing into weakness means finding a way to Jesus and making Him your starting point. So it's not your inadequacy or even your pressing in or choosing that is the starting point. It's actually Jesus, deep intimacy and oneness with Jesus.

So choosing the hard thing = pressing into weakness = requires faith = makes Jesus your starting point

So this season of creativity is going to be marked by weakness. But in the midst of this weakness, I get to make Jesus the starting point of all things and that can only lead to His glory and my ultimate joy.

N., I haven't written to you in so long. Mainly because writing to you forces me to press into areas of extreme weakness. Areas where I doubt you will ever come, areas where I'm not sure if I can hear from God, areas where I question my ability to ever be a good mother, bear a child, be in labor, care for you, shepherd you well.

You will be the greatest creation in my life. This I know. I still long for you.

Deliverance: Swords for Stones

This word gets talked about a lot in charismatic Christian circles, but I've never really stopped to understand it.

The dictionary definition of it is: to be set free, rescued.

But what I'm realizing is that it's more than that.

Deliverance means not just to be set free, but to receive a delivery of Jesus more deeply and more fully.

So being delivered is not just about things being let go, but actually about receiving more.

This is the season I'm in. I believe Jesus desires to set me free from deep fear, but this freedom actually has more to do with me more fully receiving Him, than just the chains of fear being broken. They are two sides of the same coin.

So how do I fully receive my beautiful, powerful and wondrous Jesus in this season where so many of my fears are flaring and most hours are filled with worry, doubt and anxiety?

The battle is real, intense, and easily discourages me. But the answer is simple. When fear rears its ugly head, when the worry flares, when the doubts arise:

pray and praise. 

That's it.

PRAY AND PRAISE, SHANNON.

When Nuru's nose starts to bleed, when I get insecure about my calling or leading, when I think about being a parent, when I worry about work or Ash:

pray and praise.

It seems super simple, but it's actually not. Everything in my humanity says not to pray and praise, but instead to control, worry, overthink, and turn inward.

But God is teaching me to pray and praise into giant-hood in the season. See, we talk so much about David and Goliath. David being the small shepherd boy with a slingshot and stone and the enemy being a huge giant, more strong, more ferocious, more courageous.

But Jesus is calling me to be a giant in enemy territory. To be a giant in praise, to be a giant in prayer. That in the Spirit, He is making me a giant IN HIM, not out of my own power, holiness or might. No. He is making me a giant because of His anointing, His promise, His presence, the delivery of His presence. Him setting me free so I no longer have a small stone, but a giant sword of the Spirit.

His deliverance = giant-hood. 

When we pray and praise in the midst of the battle, in the face of our fears, surrounded by insecurities and doubts, God trades our small stone for a sword. He makes us into fierce warriors, giants in the Spirit who can hunt down the enemy, take back His land, rebuke evil.

His deliverance = overcoming

This season is this: swords for stones. 

Jesus is teaching me to be a giant in the midst of my enemies so that when in battle, His Spirit within me rises up in strength, in resilience, in power to tear down strongholds, rebuke illness, push back worry, defeat lies.

His deliverance bears fruit.

I'm realizing I'm desperate to be fruitful for Jesus. I want Him to use me powerfully to bring His kingdom on earth. Not later, but now. In an immediate way.

N., you are part of that fruit. I fully believe that. I long for you, but I also know this season of deliverance is so necessary before you begin to grow in my womb. My womb, physical and spiritual, are being made new, being delivered in such a way so that you will grow perfectly, without any residue of generational fear or anxiety. So I surrender to this season of deliverance. I receive fully my Jesus as He sets me free. I want my womb to be made adequate for you N.

And to C. The beloved woman I cared for on Thursday whose eye was fully eroded so much so that only a cavity remained -- thank you for allowing me to know you. I know not how long you will live or survive. But I know that meeting you reminded me of why I do what I do every day. To fight for you. To advocate for you. To heal you even in a small way. I don't want to forget you so I write about you here. When you're in heaven, fully restored, may the light in both your eyes shine so bright. May you know the fullness of joy that comes when every giant in your life is defeated and you stand tall before our God.

I will never forget you.

Fear and the Seed

God didn't have to tell me 11 months ago that I would get pregnant and bear a son. It's not really the norm that you hear. 

So 11 months in, not pregnant, I have to ask myself: why did He tell me ahead of time?

It might have been easier to just leave it vague right? And then one day, I would just miss a period and be pregnant and that's that. 

So why did God choose to bring me on this journey? 

He gave me the seed of desire and this seed of knowledge. And so I began to pray over this seed, praying for fruition of it to a child. 

But the problem is, this seed was SO much more than that. 

What I'm realizing is that this seed wasn't just a desire for a child or knowledge that I would have a child.

This seed is this:

God forming me into a mother. 

So every month that I don't conceive, it's not because God lied or is withholding or making me wait in vain. Every month I don't conceive, it's further formation of this:

God's desire is to make us whole, set us free and make us like Him in every way --single, married, with children, without children.

See, I don't think I fully realize how much fear and anxiety govern my life. I live within a constant state of avoiding harm, controlling everything and waiting for the bottom to give out. 

This has been even more apparent as I have watched my dog deal with a possible chronic illness vs malignancy vs a self-limiting skin issue. It's revealed to me my deep, deep fear of the unknown. 

I don't know fully know what this is and apparently even a biopsy cannot definitively tell us. But God gave me a very clear and surprising word...the only word in the Bible that basically states that as we triumph over our enemies, even our dogs triumph as well (Psalm 68:23). 

And yet I am filled with worry and anxiety each day. I incessantly check her skin. I look all over for a mass. I'm waiting for bad news. I'm waiting for something to form. Even though God has spoken. 

It's exhausting. 

So in this current state, what kind of mother will I be? What kind of life will my child have if I can't trust God? If I'm fearful of the unknown. 

I don't want to parent from fear. In Jesus name, I don't. 

My whole life was governed by fear. Abused as a child, I grew up with fear as my norm. My beautiful mother, although amazing, raised me from a place of fear, trying to protect me and her at all times. Not knowing what the day would bring.

When I got married, I remember asking God to break any generational curses in my new family. I didn't want any remnant, not one. 

And in this season, that breaking is happening. That loosening is happening. That fear is being unearthed and it feels like it's going to destroy me. I feel the weight of it every second of every day. 

Every day I look at my dog, every day I get scared of having an unhealthy child. Every day I'm scared I'm going to be a crappy parent. 

So really the seed that God gave me about conceiving is so much more than just being fertile, having a child and giving birth. The seed is about:

being set free from chronic and pervasive fear. 

So as with any seed, it has to die to bear fruit. And in this season, this "death" has to do with dying to my need to control or even fully understand. This death means I die to my timeline and my need to know. This death also means that Jesus puts an end, a finishing, a death to fear in my life. It also means I have to die to my entitlement to being disappointed or angry with God. I have to die to my second guessing everything God has spoken. I have to die to my need to obsess over the seed and instead obsess over being God's.

I am His. and He is mine.

So how do I let go of this seed and its timeline, but be fully present to God and allow Him to form me and set me free?

I don't really know yet. But I know it has to do with  praise, with prayer, with worship, with pressing in and not giving up, with being near to Jesus, with reaching out for help, with staying present and not dwelling in "what if" lands. It has to do with loving God even when I don't fully see or understand His ways. It has to do with having resilience and perseverance even when I don't feel like it. And it has to do with:

letting go of me, getting out of God's way, and allowing Him to make me.

N., this is probably the roughest season I've had since you were first revealed to me. Fear has overrun my life and you feel so far off. I no longer have any idea when I will meet you and when your appointed time is. I don't know if you will get to meet the dog I love so much. I just don't know anything. But what I do know is that the God that formed the universe has promised to form you and gift you to me. What I do know is that I need Him more than ever and that my need for Him is only going to make me even more ready and more able to love and parent you. I pray that each day you are kept in heaven, that each day I wait for you, that me and your father only grow stronger and more deeply rooted in Jesus. Because ultimately, being rooted in Jesus is the only thing that matters in our lives and in your future life. 

Dear Jesus,

I officially let go of this seed to you, knowing that in my letting go, I give you more weight than I give it. I let it go not because I don't trust it or want it or believe it will happen, but because I want more than just the seed. I want the deeper and even more precious thing you have for me as the seed grows. I want to finally trust you in all things, be set free from fear and know that you will never harm me or forsake me. 

You are only Good. 

Resilience, Rescue and Time

So many things have happened since I last wrote here. All hard.

I'm realizing each day I walk with Jesus that so much of this walk is characterized by this:

growing in resilience. 

Resilience - the art of bouncing back. the ability to be stretched, but not destroyed. the willingness to be refined, pruned, disciplined and stripped away without resulting in bitterness or anger. The courage to believe that this too shall end in praise.

Resilience is willing to die to our own needs, agenda or expectation and in the midst of this, continue to be a true worshiper. Continue to praise even in prison.

Resilience means I choose God above all else -- emotions, circumstances, rights, what I think I deserve, what I thought I heard.

Choose God. This has become our theme in this season.

Also this:

the battle belongs to the Lord.

He is the one who fights, rescues, protects, redeems and vindicates. We only do this: Take our position, stand firm and see. (2 Chronicles 20: 15-17)

I experienced this firsthand on 8/21. Our street team was walking in Skid Row and a shooting happened steps away from where we were. If not for another patient in distress that we began to follow, we would have been in that park, caught up in the first mass shooting in Skid Row's history.

See we thought we were only helping out another patient, but God was actually rescuing us, protecting us, shielding us.

Rescue.

I wonder how often we are rescued in this way and we don't know it. We don't thank God for it. He's always battling for us. Always fighting on our behalf.

The other thing I'm realizing in this season is this: my sense of time is not and will never be God's sense of time. Ultimately I won't ever know the exact timing of things or when promises will come to pass. All I need to know is this:

stay near to Jesus. Always. 

Wherever He is, go to Him. When I'm trouble, draw near to Him.

Nearness to Jesus is life in this season.

When we are near to Jesus, we may not know the exact timeline for fruition of promises, but we can know the way of the season we are in. We can know what this season is about, its theme, its focus, its timbre.

Know your season. 

This season for me and Ash is best summed up in Psalm 66:

Bless our God, O peoples;
    let the sound of his praise be heard,
9 who has kept our soul among the living
    and has not let our feet slip.
10 For you, O God, have tested us;
    you have tried us as silver is tried.
11 You brought us into the net;
    you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
12 you let men ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.


The end of the story is this: abundance. But it's so important to know our season. To know this is a season of being refined, of being tried, of being led through and in front of trouble. Of being brought face-to-face with giants, not because of punishment, but because God's infinite love compels Him to drain out every particle in our bodies that is bent toward unbelief, bent toward destruction, bent toward mistrusting His goodness. 

In every season, God's ultimate desire isn't to just fulfill His promises to us. That's a byproduct of something greater:

relationship. 

God's desire always is to give us Jesus. Fully, wholly and unconditionally. 

N., may you know this each day as you grow. May you seek Jesus above what He can give or promise. May you seek Jesus for Jesus. May you choose Him above all else, in every decision, in every thought, in every action, in every season. May you develop in your spirit a deep resilience, a bouncing back that enables you to withstand refining and testing so that you can take up your position, stand firm and see that the end of every story is always this:

the abundant presence of Christ Jesus. 

N, your time is near

It's true. I can say it with full assurance without striving because this declaration is full of God.

It's a strange sensation to just know that something is about to happen or something is just right.

The last time this happened it was when I knew I was going to marry Ash. No one had to tell me. It was a precious secret between me, God and Ash. It didn't matter if others understood it or if it was logical, rational or fit some generic formula. I knew in my gut, in the recesses of my being that he was the man God intended for me. 7 years later, it's even more true. It's more true each and every day.

And today, I have this same knowledge. So much so that I don't need to even pray to conceive anymore because I would be repeating to God what He already intends, what He already has prepared, what He has already spoken into existence.

In it's time I will hasten it, says the Lord.

I also know this is soon to happen because the battle is fierce. Nuru still isn't well. I've had conflict w/ dear friends. Ash is struggling. Anxiety reigns most of my days. And it's only when I pause to peer deeply into the eyes of Jesus that I feel relief and respite. Even as I write this, anxiety rises up...what if im wrong? what if i've heard wrong or sensed wrong again?

How do we hold on to what God has said when our reality wars against it?

God has said I would be a mother. That I would have a son. That it would happen this year. I sense that it may happen soon, perhaps this month. But I've also sensed this before and been totally wrong.

But perhaps this isn't about being right or wrong. Perhaps it's just about being close to God and being ALL in. Believing even without seeing. Trusting without fully knowing. Hurling a stone at the giant with the assurance that either God will slay the giant or you will die having taken a chance on God. Either way being totally ok.

So I believe. I'm going to trust the spirit of God within me that says the time is near. That the battle rages because fruition is about to happen.

In the midst of all this, N, I believe God has given me a glimpse of who you will be as you grow. Of what you will impact, a seed of what you will be about.

I pray your life will be characterized by this:

The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them. The cow will feed with the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. The infant will play near the hole of the cobra, and the young child put his hand into the viper's nest. They will neither harm nor destory on all my holy moutain, for the earth will be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea. - Isaiah 11: 6-9

N, I pray your spirit will be of this caliber. A spirit that tears down division, that cuts through fear, that brings justice. I pray that your spirit will bring reversal to destruction. That your spirit will bring courage even in your youth. That even as a child you will dwell in seeming dangerous places with boldness because God has called you there. That your spirit will cause unexpected change. That your spirit will cause enemies to unite, harmony to reign, righteousness to flow.

That you will NOT fear.

That you will live a FEARLESS life. That generational fear would be broken in you in Jesus name.

That gentleness and firmness would co-exist in you. That quietness and boldness would shine in you simultaneously. That even we would be in awe of how so many opposite things can co-exist in you and through you. That your spirit would encompass the same Spirit of Jesus that causes walls to be torn down, not just unto freedom, but unto shalom, a true peace.

May your hands know the viper's nest and when you seek it out, would your hands know how to bring the healing of God there.

May you be full of knowledge.

I can't wait to meet you very soon. Mama, loves you.

Peace will be your Governor

Nuru got sick a few days ago. This somewhat rare skin infection on her nose emerged and it has surprisingly thrust me into a state of utter fear and worry.

I know she's just a dog...but she's my dog...my dog child. The other living being I've been living with for these last 5 years, raised her from age 2 months.

She's the closest thing to a child that I have.

I'm grappling with intense uncertainty as to if she's going to be ok.

Is it just an infection or worse? The vet was super unhelpful so now I'm thrust into further anxiety.

How do we hold onto peace in the midst of uncertainty?

Isaiah 26: He will keep in perfect peace those who's hearts are steadfastly upon Him (paraphrased)

Isaiah 60: I will make peace your governor

I will make peace your governor.

What a beautiful phrase. That God's promise is that we will be GOVERNED by peace. Not anxiety, not worry, not fear.

I don't want to be a fearful mother. To a dog or to a human child.

I'm realizing I've been governed by anxiety and fear my whole life. From the day I was born, I was thrust into anxiety.

I live each day with an underlying stream of anxiety, of subconsciously waiting for the bottom to drop out from below. With this lie that if something good happens, it must be balanced and tempered by something bad or a trial of some kind.

Is it possible that I will get pregnant this year but somehow lose Nuru? How is it that I deserve to be so happy that I can have a child, keep my dog, have an amazing marriage, a fulfilling job, healthy parents and a new house?

Do I believe God to be this good?

And yet God's reminder to me in this season is:

Peace will be your governor

I speak peace Jesus says. I can hold all things together. I am not a God who works in balances. I don't balance things out with good and not so good. I know only one mode: to always be good.

God, I want peace in the midst of this uncertain season and most especially, I want to be healed of the daily, persistent and chronic anxiety I live with each and every hour of every day.

I want to trust you completely.

I am scared. Every day I'm scared. I'm scared Nuru will die prematurely. I'm scared I'll have a sick child. I'm scared I'll have a complicated pregnancy. I'm scared my parents won't live long enough to see a grandchild. I'm scared I won't be a good mother.

I'm so scared.

Teach me O God to be steadfast in you. To cling to the rock that is higher than me. To allow peace to govern me.

N., I pray most fervently that you will not inherit this generational anxiety I carry. That somehow as you are knit together within me that my anxiety isn't exacerbated, but actually healed. That as you are knit together within me, a new frame of being and perspective is knit within me simultaneously, one that is immune to chronic anxiety, one that is no longer interlaced with chronic fear. I pray that as you are knit within me that I am knit together in Jesus in a new way that causes me to know courage, to know trust and to know hope and no longer fear and worry. May we both be knit together in hope, where anxiety can never thrive, can never live, where:

peace is our governor. 

Leaves the 99

Today was my 2nd day on our street team in Skid Row. I'm realizing I need to write each day I'm out with my team because being on the streets of Skid Row is pretty much like being in the midst of a war zone. 

War.

It's a war of emotions, of addictions battling one another, of literal and spiritual assaults. The onslaught of smells, the aura of suffering all around at war with one another. It's a war of good against evil. Of incredible community and resilience and simultaneous despair, hopelessness. 

Today, as I began what would end up being a 3.1mile trek around Skid Row, I was struck by this reality:

It's a war that somehow has already been won. 

Jesus won it, defeated every single power of evil I see as I walk those streets. Defeated prostitution, defeated domestic violence, defeated drug addiction, defeated mistrust, defeated shame, defeated guilt, defeated generational curses, defeated sin.

We saw so many people today in deep, deep suffering. Suffering so deep that in our humanity, it's impossible to even comprehend or address. 

But there was one particular interaction today I don't want to forget. As we walked through Gladys Park in Skid Row looking for people, a young woman approached us. She was bitten by a dog the day before and wanted help. 

We dressed her wound and she left, a pretty minor interaction. 

However, she came back...as it turns out she was still bleeding on one side of her leg. So my MA went to help her as I was caring for another patient on the sidewalk. 

In the midst of their interaction, the patient shared she had planned to end her life that day. She was going to take pills. She was fed up with life.

And in that moment, the entire world stood still for her. I could sense a turn in the spiritual realm as God's eyes in that moment rested intensely and compassionately upon her. 

I walked up to her and asked her if she could share with me what was going on. She said she wasn't sure, that she didn't want to live this kind of life anymore, she was tired. 

War.

And yet in that moment, Jesus, the God of the universe, left his "99." In the midst of the billions in need, Jesus chose to be present to this precious 1. 

Actually He has been present all along. 

The end of the story is this: she decided to live. She decided to not take her life. To hang on. 

Her parting words to us were: Thank you for making my day. 

God saved her life today. Not because we were present, but because:

He is always present. 

Because Jesus leaves anything and everything to go after just 1, just 1 who may be lost, who may be suffering, who may feel like all hope is lost. 

I don't know exactly what will happen to her, but I know this:

Jesus is with her. He has always been and He always will be. 

So in the midst of the war, we have a God that intentionally, persistently, and against all odds: 

Goes after the 1. 

N., you are God's 1. I am God's 1, your father is God's 1. He will always chase us, pursue us, be with us. May you know always that in the midst of any war you may face, you are not the 99,

You are His 1. 

Perseverance

It's kind of an overused word in some circles, and yet underutilized and underdeveloped in most places.

What does it mean to persevere? To persevere in prayer, to persevere in joy, to persevere in patience, to persevere in waiting, to persevere with people?

Today on 8/3/19, I'm not pregnant. It hasn't happened yet. But oddly, I feel closer to the fruition of God's promise to me of you, N., then ever before...

There is a peace that truly transcends understanding. An assurance that even as I look ahead without any inclination of when this will happen for us, I trust that God is a promise-keeper.

Perseverance.

Perhaps in this season, this is what it means to persevere with God. To walk with Him without a map or spiritual GPS. To persevere, even when I don't understand Him or His ways. To persevere in spending time with Him and communing with Him even when I don't see.

I think perseverance isn't talked about alot because it involves pain. To persevere means to push past our emotions and tap into the invisible, the less-praised thing, the less obvious thing, the treasure in secret, dark and inconvenient places.

Perseverance means so much to me this season because it frames the way of my days. To persevere with my Jesus and praise Him in the not yet places. To persevere as I am being made adequate.

It also means alot to me as I walk with my precious brothers and sisters on the streets of Skid Row.

On 8/1, I started on our street medicine team in Skid Row.

What does it mean to persevere when 4,000 people live in a concentrated area, ridden with evil, ridden with suffering, ridden with hopelessness, drugs, sexual abuse, poverty, sorrow, addiction, mental illness, loneliness, disease?

How does Jesus persevere each and every day with these ones? And how can I do so in my limited capacity to love, hope and be present?

How do I persevere in hope when I see men cooking meth on the ground and injecting themselves in broad daylight? When I see women prostituting in bathrooms for money or drugs?

How do we persevere in the midst of impossibility?

I don't think it means we put aside impossibility and look for what's possible. No. I think we become well-acquainted with impossibility. It becomes home for us. And as we make our home in impossibility, we find God there. We find Jesus in the midst of impossibility and He walks us out into His possibility.

So perseverance means facing impossibility face-to-face, head on, without reserve. Going all into impossibility and finding that God is in the midst of every impossibility. He is well-acquainted with impossibility. Because in Him, in Christ:

Nothing is impossible.

N., may you know this each and every day. May you be a seeker of impossible things. May you hope for the impossible, may you leap into the unknown, knowing that Jesus is more than enough to catch you. May you know that the most exciting thing about following Jesus is this:

In Him, nothing will ever be impossible.

8.6 to 6.3

Those numbers may not seem important to most, but to me, they represent a turning. A turning from night to day. A confirmation that darkness cannot and will not and has not ever overcome the light.

Truth:

I was diagnosed with diabetes in March 2016.

It came at a time of my life where I was constantly sick and I had lost the motivation to care for myself well. I had recently had a malaria scare, some gyn issues and constant weight changes. My diagnosis not only came with all the fears surrounding diabetes, but with a deep shame. Although I have a strong family history of diabetes, I knew that I had very much allowed my weight and lifestyle to go down the wrong path. So much so, that I knew I had a big part to play in the acquisition of this diagnosis.

Shame.

In 2017, I attempted to lose weight (as I had tried countless times in my life) and it was moderately successful. My sugars improved, but remained in diabetic range.

And then in 10/2018, my health came into focus as God revealed to me that He in fact had a future for me as a mother. A future that I've come to long for.

As I went in for check ups, my diabetes had worsened.

But instead of fueling my energy into bettering my health, I allowed it to consume me and paralyze me.

Have you ever felt the weight of shame and negativity so much so that it paralyzes you? Marked by hopelessness and resignation, it was business as usual for me health-wise.

And then in May 2019, everything came crashing down. I was diagnosed w/ pneumonia and at the same time deemed un-insurable by life insurance companies because my health had worsened so significantly.

At 34, I was un-insurable.

My diabetes...well, I won this magic number: 8.6. Just shy of needing to start insulin. It was the worse my diabetes had ever been since I was diagnosed.

I had a choice as I stared deep at that number:

Let it paralyze me and eat me up, or allow God to speak into the darkness.

And I remember hearing one simple whisper from my God:

I will reverse it.

That's all I heard. But it was enough for me.

And as I clung to the robe of my God, I journeyed with Him through a difficult, but rewarding path of restoration.

And yesterday, on 7/26/19, I had a repeat blood test and well you already know the big reveal:

6.3.

See, for those not well acquainted with the numbers of diabetes, 8.6 is close to the dangerous numbers of 9 and above and 6.5 wins you a diagnosis of diabetes.

But 6.3...well...that's MORE than a reversal...it's new life.

Not only does 6.3 mean I'm no longer in danger, but essentially means this:

I no longer have diabetes.

I no longer have diabetes.

I no longer have diabetes.

See...that is the type of God we serve. He comes into the room of our messes, into what feels like utter chaos and darkness and commands life. He enters in and at the sound of His voice, everything changes.

See, when He told me that He would reverse my number, 6.3 became my reality. It was real at that moment because the God of the universe spoke it. Although, in my human reality, it took another 2.5 months for me to see it, in His reality, it came to being in that day, in that moment in the Spirit.

Only a God can come in and take me at my worst, where healing seemed impossible, and speak glory.
Speak reversal. Speak healing.

So yes, I have been walking what has felt like a road of "no." And I'm not yet pregnant, and not sure when I will ever be.

But today, what I do know is this:

God is faithful. God never lies. God never deceives. God always delivers. God can heal the most chronic of illnesses.

God is good.

God loves me. Me, specifically, not me generically.

N.,

Even before you have come, God is using you to heal me. If not for my expectation and preparation for you, I wouldn't have been fully healed from diabetes after a 3 year struggle. But what my dear Pastor's wife said is true: "motherhood, whether in its preparation or in its actuality, brings about a great conversion." It converts every weak place, every flimsy place, to a place of glory, a place of honor, a place of strength. Even before you have come, you have strengthened me. You have caused me to peer deep into my diseased places and come out victorious. May I honor your life by continuing to prepare my heart, mind, soul and body for you. May you know that you are so worth it. You are so worth every ice cream bar not eaten, every bead of sweat from exercising, every poke of my finger to test my blood sugar, every medication, test, or appointment needed to ensure my body is perfectly ready for you. Thank you for converting me in every way already, even before you have actually come.

Thank you Jesus that not only will you provide me with a child, but you have healed me of all my diseases. Just as you promised me.

To You be the glory alone now and forevermore.

Silence

Today is a harder day. Since I last wrote, not much has happened, except that I got sick...again. Not nearly as bad as before, but enough to bring so much discouragement. I thought since I was healthier now that my immune system was rock-solid and yet here I am, in bed, recovering from a nasty cold.

It's so easy to regress to old thoughts, to let discouragement seep in, no matter how much Goodness we see from God. As I layed in bed, unable to exercise, and craving carbs more than ever, I felt so lost. Why was I back here again? Why can't I just be healthy?

I didn't hear any response to my questioning. Just silence.

silence.

To compound matters, I had multiple medical tests/procedures today to evaluate my recovery from the pneumonia and to check on my diabetes.

One of the tests was a pregnancy test. Just routine. Before my x-ray. I knew I wasn't pregnant, but the tech insisted so there I was, back again on the road of discouragement, the road of no.

Have you ever felt you have been walking the road of "no" for a prolonged period?

At some point, it feels familiar, you no longer expect anything else. It's marked by disappointment, by discouragement and often:

by silence.

And as the tech confirmed my negative pregnancy test, the silence became so deafening. My feet dug in just a little deeper to the ground of no. Well-acquainted by now after 2.5 years.

silence.

What is the purpose of God's silence in our lives?

Is silence just the absence of words or answers or is it actually something more?

As I ponder this question, the image I get is of a beautiful red robe, a velvet garment, thick, warm, robust, filling an empty room. Taking up all of the room.

Perhaps this is silence: the filling up of the room of emptiness with His robe: God's presence. Not His words, or gifts, or direction. Not prophecy, not scripture, not strategy. Just Him.

Silence = Presence

Perhaps in this season of silence, all I'm really supposed to do is allow His robe to fill my room. Allow His presence to fill every gap in my heart, cover over every question, draw near to every disappointment, not necessarily to heal it or address it, at least not yet.

Is His presence alone enough for me?

N.,

I do not yet know when you will come and who exactly you will be, if you ever come. Waiting for you has thrust me into a season of deep silence and sometimes it's deafening. But I hang on to His robe in the midst of it. As I walk the road of no, may your ability to hear God's no in your own life grow resilient and robust. May you know always how to accept the Divine No for the Greater, more Good Yes, no matter how long it takes. As I walk my road of no, may it somehow instill in you a sincere patience, a reverence for God's no and a capacity to know this...that even in the midst of silence:

His presence alone is always enough.

A Song of Ascents: Good

I cry out to my Lord, my God.

I cry out from within the mystery.

And yet day has already come, light cried out: it is finished.

So I cried out to my Lord to see his goodness and he answered:

What can you know of good? 

Speak to me O Lord of your Good. The Lion-of-Judah Good. The Glorious Good only you can bring.

I turn to you my Savior and all else fades away. Every other good, every other goodness.

Would your Goodness rise O God in the night. Would the darkness birth only your Good.

My God, I see your Goodness rising.

May I rise with you as night turns to day.

Selah

The Great Readjustment

"The great readjustment that I believe is being made in me is that the reason we were born into this fallen world and entrusted with earthly life is for us to learn to abandon ourselves to a loving God who imagines and creates only the highest possible goodness." - Hannah Hurnard, Hinds' Feet on High Places

A dear friend recommended this book to me and it's been quite transformative. The book is about a young girl called Much-Afraid who journeys with the Good Shepherd through trials and battles to be changed into her new name: Grace-and-Glory. It's a simple book, but so meaningful because throughout the young girl's journey, she falters and mistrusts the Shepherd. Even though He comes through, rescues and at times shields her from danger (not all the time though), she carries much fear. And when she does face danger, she is quick to fall into bitterness, wondering why God has forsaken her. Only later when she reaches the "high places" does she realize that every danger or battle she faced, only prepared her for freedom and joy at her destination. In fact, without it, she wouldn't totally belong to the Shepherd and His lands. She wouldn't have Shalom.

As companions on her journey, the Shepherd gives her two strong helpers, but with odd names: Sorrow and Suffering. She journeys with Sorrow and Suffering throughout her journey, leaning on them in hard times, pressing into them when her fears overwhelmed her.

This was both a surprising and refreshing part of the book because it re-framed suffering and sorrow for me. As Christians or just as humans, we see suffering and sorrow as supremely negative things, things to be avoided at all costs. But here, they are companions, they push the young girl closer to the Shepherd, creating in her a holy desperation. They were very much part of her readjustment.

Readjustment. 

I like this word becomes it perhaps means that we were once adjusted. That when born into this world, although, imperfect, we are born adjusted, fully in God's presence, fully knowing His goodness. As children, we are more easily acquainted with the goodness of God. In some ways, we know nothing else at first.

But as life continues, we become distant perhaps. The storms of life cause us to question God. We lose this adjustment.

So, I believe, most of our lives are spent, readjusting to our baseline, our norm, our oneness with God. Shalom.

I'm still very much in process of readjusting.

I'm so much like the young girl in the story. I struggle with so many fears and am quick to blame God or mistrust Him. I struggle to hold on to the truth: that in all circumstances He is good.

But in this season, I'm closer to this truth, this shalom than I've ever been before. I'm emerging out of that steep climb to soft ground, resting at the feet of my Savior in peaceful assurance that He can and will and is working all things out for our Good. Not our good (small g), but His Good (capital g).

N., how lovely that when you enter this world, you will arrive adjusted. You will know your Maker more than me or your father does. You will actually propel our own readjustment. May you always know the supremacy of His Good. May you find your home in Jesus quickly and from a young age maintain your adjustment in Him. Even though we bring you into a world that is fallen, broken and seems beyond repair, may your spirit encompass the impossible. Even at age 20, would you have a child-like faith in Jesus, always hoping, always believing, always seeing. Thank you in advance for helping me and your father readjust and find our Shalom.

May we three always believe steadfastly in the invisible and together move closer and closer to the only thing worth adjusting for:

our Good Shepherd.

The Cross Over

"Disappointment breaks the ground of our hearts" - P.K.

Today, I woke up and everything was different. I rose at 6am, put on my running shoes and took a 4 mile jog through lovely Dublin, Ohio. It took me 1 hour and I came back refreshed, renewed.

I sat down on a peaceful bench near a pond and reflected on the last 2 months and 1 week. On 5/7/19, I was diagnosed with severe pneumonia and flu and was almost hospitalized. It was a dark, scary, shameful, awful place. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't walk more than 5 feet without needing to rest or use an inhaler. It took 3 breathing treatments to get me out of the ER. In the midst of that, I was diagnosed with uncontrolled diabetes on that same day.

I was devastated.

I remember sitting in bed as my caring husband brought me food, unable to walk to the kitchen unassisted. I sobbed into my egg whites and spinach. In the midst of being terribly ill, I could no longer eat carbs...the one thing I crave when I'm sick. My sugars were elevated, blood pressure high, cholesterol high...at age 34, I had the body of an unhealthy 50 year old.

I remember thinking, can God really heal all my diseases? I remember blaming myself, figuring this was probably the main reason we had not yet conceived after over 2 years of trying. Would I ever be whole again?

I managed to pray that day and God spoke to me. He said he would reverse my awful A1C. He said he would heal ALL my diseases. He said to do 4 simple things: exercise, drink water, pray and cut carbs and sugars. It wasn't super holy. It wasn't some deep word. But it was truth from the Other Side and this season of "4" would be the key to light breaking the darkness.

So I began what felt like an up hill battle, a steep climb toward wholeness. I still couldn't exercise, it took 3 weeks for that to be restored, but I cut all carbs and added sugars. I prayed more than I ever did before. I drank an obscene amount of water daily.

Slowly, I healed. Slowly, my body changed. My breathing came back to baseline. I started exercising again. I started packing my lunch to work, no longer eating tacos or burgers for lunch. I cut out all soda.

And today as I sat reflecting, I realized, my light has come.

I've crossed over.

I'm no longer the woman I was on 5/7. I crave exercise now. I rarely miss rice or bread. I can't go a day without a salad. I jogged 4 miles, when I couldn't before walk 4 feet.

But most importantly, as I worshipped Jesus on that bench today, I realized I was finally free from shame, worry or impatience surrounding my journey to motherhood.

A new shalom came over me, an assurance that God's timing is perfect and He is finally fully on the throne of my heart in this area of my life.

The unhealthy yearning for a timeline has been broken!

On that bench, I declared before God that I trust Him. That He has my heart. That even in the mystery, I am His.

"Post-death life is actually better than the pre-death life." P.K.

And then, He gave me Isaiah 60:

Arise, shine, for your light has come,
    and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
2 For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
    and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
    and his glory will be seen upon you.
3 And nations shall come to your light,
    and kings to the brightness of your rising.

4 Lift up your eyes all around, and see;
    they all gather together, they come to you;
your sons shall come from afar,
    and your daughters shall be carried on the hip.
5 Then you shall see and be radiant;
    your heart shall thrill and exult,[a]
because the abundance of the sea shall be turned to you,
    the wealth of the nations shall come to you.
6 A multitude of camels shall cover you,
    the young camels of Midian and Ephah;
    all those from Sheba shall come.
They shall bring gold and frankincense,
    and shall bring good news, the praises of the Lord.
7 All the flocks of Kedar shall be gathered to you;
    the rams of Nebaioth shall minister to you;
they shall come up with acceptance on my altar,
    and I will beautify my beautiful house.

8 Who are these that fly like a cloud,
    and like doves to their windows?
9 For the coastlands shall hope for me,
    the ships of Tarshish first,
to bring your children from afar,
    their silver and gold with them,
for the name of the Lord your God,
    and for the Holy One of Israel,
    because he has made you beautiful.

10 Foreigners shall build up your walls,
    and their kings shall minister to you;
for in my wrath I struck you,
    but in my favor I have had mercy on you.
11 Your gates shall be open continually;
    day and night they shall not be shut,
that people may bring to you the wealth of the nations,
    with their kings led in procession.
12 For the nation and kingdom
    that will not serve you shall perish;
    those nations shall be utterly laid waste.
13 The glory of Lebanon shall come to you,
    the cypress, the plane, and the pine,
to beautify the place of my sanctuary,
    and I will make the place of my feet glorious.
14 The sons of those who afflicted you
    shall come bending low to you,
and all who despised you
    shall bow down at your feet;
they shall call you the City of the Lord,
    the Zion of the Holy One of Israel.

15 Whereas you have been forsaken and hated,
    with no one passing through,
I will make you majestic forever,
    a joy from age to age.
16 You shall suck the milk of nations;
    you shall nurse at the breast of kings;
and you shall know that I, the Lord, am your Savior
    and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.

17 Instead of bronze I will bring gold,
    and instead of iron I will bring silver;
instead of wood, bronze,
    instead of stones, iron.
I will make your overseers peace
    and your taskmasters righteousness.
18 Violence shall no more be heard in your land,
    devastation or destruction within your borders;
you shall call your walls Salvation,
    and your gates Praise.

19 The sun shall be no more
    your light by day,
nor for brightness shall the moon
    give you light;[b]
but the Lord will be your everlasting light,    and your God will be your glory.[c]
20 Your sun shall no more go down,
    nor your moon withdraw itself;
for the Lord will be your everlasting light,
    and your days of mourning shall be ended.
21 Your people shall all be righteous;
    they shall possess the land forever,
the branch of my planting, the work of my hands,
    that I might be glorified.[d]
22 The least one shall become a clan,
    and the smallest one a mighty nation;
I am the Lord;
    in its time I will hasten it.

The Cross Over