The Cross Over

"Disappointment breaks the ground of our hearts" - P.K.

Today, I woke up and everything was different. I rose at 6am, put on my running shoes and took a 4 mile jog through lovely Dublin, Ohio. It took me 1 hour and I came back refreshed, renewed.

I sat down on a peaceful bench near a pond and reflected on the last 2 months and 1 week. On 5/7/19, I was diagnosed with severe pneumonia and flu and was almost hospitalized. It was a dark, scary, shameful, awful place. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't walk more than 5 feet without needing to rest or use an inhaler. It took 3 breathing treatments to get me out of the ER. In the midst of that, I was diagnosed with uncontrolled diabetes on that same day.

I was devastated.

I remember sitting in bed as my caring husband brought me food, unable to walk to the kitchen unassisted. I sobbed into my egg whites and spinach. In the midst of being terribly ill, I could no longer eat carbs...the one thing I crave when I'm sick. My sugars were elevated, blood pressure high, cholesterol high...at age 34, I had the body of an unhealthy 50 year old.

I remember thinking, can God really heal all my diseases? I remember blaming myself, figuring this was probably the main reason we had not yet conceived after over 2 years of trying. Would I ever be whole again?

I managed to pray that day and God spoke to me. He said he would reverse my awful A1C. He said he would heal ALL my diseases. He said to do 4 simple things: exercise, drink water, pray and cut carbs and sugars. It wasn't super holy. It wasn't some deep word. But it was truth from the Other Side and this season of "4" would be the key to light breaking the darkness.

So I began what felt like an up hill battle, a steep climb toward wholeness. I still couldn't exercise, it took 3 weeks for that to be restored, but I cut all carbs and added sugars. I prayed more than I ever did before. I drank an obscene amount of water daily.

Slowly, I healed. Slowly, my body changed. My breathing came back to baseline. I started exercising again. I started packing my lunch to work, no longer eating tacos or burgers for lunch. I cut out all soda.

And today as I sat reflecting, I realized, my light has come.

I've crossed over.

I'm no longer the woman I was on 5/7. I crave exercise now. I rarely miss rice or bread. I can't go a day without a salad. I jogged 4 miles, when I couldn't before walk 4 feet.

But most importantly, as I worshipped Jesus on that bench today, I realized I was finally free from shame, worry or impatience surrounding my journey to motherhood.

A new shalom came over me, an assurance that God's timing is perfect and He is finally fully on the throne of my heart in this area of my life.

The unhealthy yearning for a timeline has been broken!

On that bench, I declared before God that I trust Him. That He has my heart. That even in the mystery, I am His.

"Post-death life is actually better than the pre-death life." P.K.

And then, He gave me Isaiah 60:

Arise, shine, for your light has come,
    and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
2 For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
    and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
    and his glory will be seen upon you.
3 And nations shall come to your light,
    and kings to the brightness of your rising.

4 Lift up your eyes all around, and see;
    they all gather together, they come to you;
your sons shall come from afar,
    and your daughters shall be carried on the hip.
5 Then you shall see and be radiant;
    your heart shall thrill and exult,[a]
because the abundance of the sea shall be turned to you,
    the wealth of the nations shall come to you.
6 A multitude of camels shall cover you,
    the young camels of Midian and Ephah;
    all those from Sheba shall come.
They shall bring gold and frankincense,
    and shall bring good news, the praises of the Lord.
7 All the flocks of Kedar shall be gathered to you;
    the rams of Nebaioth shall minister to you;
they shall come up with acceptance on my altar,
    and I will beautify my beautiful house.

8 Who are these that fly like a cloud,
    and like doves to their windows?
9 For the coastlands shall hope for me,
    the ships of Tarshish first,
to bring your children from afar,
    their silver and gold with them,
for the name of the Lord your God,
    and for the Holy One of Israel,
    because he has made you beautiful.

10 Foreigners shall build up your walls,
    and their kings shall minister to you;
for in my wrath I struck you,
    but in my favor I have had mercy on you.
11 Your gates shall be open continually;
    day and night they shall not be shut,
that people may bring to you the wealth of the nations,
    with their kings led in procession.
12 For the nation and kingdom
    that will not serve you shall perish;
    those nations shall be utterly laid waste.
13 The glory of Lebanon shall come to you,
    the cypress, the plane, and the pine,
to beautify the place of my sanctuary,
    and I will make the place of my feet glorious.
14 The sons of those who afflicted you
    shall come bending low to you,
and all who despised you
    shall bow down at your feet;
they shall call you the City of the Lord,
    the Zion of the Holy One of Israel.

15 Whereas you have been forsaken and hated,
    with no one passing through,
I will make you majestic forever,
    a joy from age to age.
16 You shall suck the milk of nations;
    you shall nurse at the breast of kings;
and you shall know that I, the Lord, am your Savior
    and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.

17 Instead of bronze I will bring gold,
    and instead of iron I will bring silver;
instead of wood, bronze,
    instead of stones, iron.
I will make your overseers peace
    and your taskmasters righteousness.
18 Violence shall no more be heard in your land,
    devastation or destruction within your borders;
you shall call your walls Salvation,
    and your gates Praise.

19 The sun shall be no more
    your light by day,
nor for brightness shall the moon
    give you light;[b]
but the Lord will be your everlasting light,    and your God will be your glory.[c]
20 Your sun shall no more go down,
    nor your moon withdraw itself;
for the Lord will be your everlasting light,
    and your days of mourning shall be ended.
21 Your people shall all be righteous;
    they shall possess the land forever,
the branch of my planting, the work of my hands,
    that I might be glorified.[d]
22 The least one shall become a clan,
    and the smallest one a mighty nation;
I am the Lord;
    in its time I will hasten it.

The Cross Over