Those numbers may not seem important to most, but to me, they represent a turning. A turning from night to day. A confirmation that darkness cannot and will not and has not ever overcome the light.
Truth:
I was diagnosed with diabetes in March 2016.
It came at a time of my life where I was constantly sick and I had lost the motivation to care for myself well. I had recently had a malaria scare, some gyn issues and constant weight changes. My diagnosis not only came with all the fears surrounding diabetes, but with a deep shame. Although I have a strong family history of diabetes, I knew that I had very much allowed my weight and lifestyle to go down the wrong path. So much so, that I knew I had a big part to play in the acquisition of this diagnosis.
Shame.
In 2017, I attempted to lose weight (as I had tried countless times in my life) and it was moderately successful. My sugars improved, but remained in diabetic range.
And then in 10/2018, my health came into focus as God revealed to me that He in fact had a future for me as a mother. A future that I've come to long for.
As I went in for check ups, my diabetes had worsened.
But instead of fueling my energy into bettering my health, I allowed it to consume me and paralyze me.
Have you ever felt the weight of shame and negativity so much so that it paralyzes you? Marked by hopelessness and resignation, it was business as usual for me health-wise.
And then in May 2019, everything came crashing down. I was diagnosed w/ pneumonia and at the same time deemed un-insurable by life insurance companies because my health had worsened so significantly.
At 34, I was un-insurable.
My diabetes...well, I won this magic number: 8.6. Just shy of needing to start insulin. It was the worse my diabetes had ever been since I was diagnosed.
I had a choice as I stared deep at that number:
Let it paralyze me and eat me up, or allow God to speak into the darkness.
And I remember hearing one simple whisper from my God:
I will reverse it.
That's all I heard. But it was enough for me.
And as I clung to the robe of my God, I journeyed with Him through a difficult, but rewarding path of restoration.
And yesterday, on 7/26/19, I had a repeat blood test and well you already know the big reveal:
6.3.
See, for those not well acquainted with the numbers of diabetes, 8.6 is close to the dangerous numbers of 9 and above and 6.5 wins you a diagnosis of diabetes.
But 6.3...well...that's MORE than a reversal...it's new life.
Not only does 6.3 mean I'm no longer in danger, but essentially means this:
I no longer have diabetes.
I no longer have diabetes.
I no longer have diabetes.
See...that is the type of God we serve. He comes into the room of our messes, into what feels like utter chaos and darkness and commands life. He enters in and at the sound of His voice, everything changes.
See, when He told me that He would reverse my number, 6.3 became my reality. It was real at that moment because the God of the universe spoke it. Although, in my human reality, it took another 2.5 months for me to see it, in His reality, it came to being in that day, in that moment in the Spirit.
Only a God can come in and take me at my worst, where healing seemed impossible, and speak glory.
Speak reversal. Speak healing.
So yes, I have been walking what has felt like a road of "no." And I'm not yet pregnant, and not sure when I will ever be.
But today, what I do know is this:
God is faithful. God never lies. God never deceives. God always delivers. God can heal the most chronic of illnesses.
God is good.
God loves me. Me, specifically, not me generically.
N.,
Even before you have come, God is using you to heal me. If not for my expectation and preparation for you, I wouldn't have been fully healed from diabetes after a 3 year struggle. But what my dear Pastor's wife said is true: "motherhood, whether in its preparation or in its actuality, brings about a great conversion." It converts every weak place, every flimsy place, to a place of glory, a place of honor, a place of strength. Even before you have come, you have strengthened me. You have caused me to peer deep into my diseased places and come out victorious. May I honor your life by continuing to prepare my heart, mind, soul and body for you. May you know that you are so worth it. You are so worth every ice cream bar not eaten, every bead of sweat from exercising, every poke of my finger to test my blood sugar, every medication, test, or appointment needed to ensure my body is perfectly ready for you. Thank you for converting me in every way already, even before you have actually come.
Thank you Jesus that not only will you provide me with a child, but you have healed me of all my diseases. Just as you promised me.
To You be the glory alone now and forevermore.
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