I was wrong

It's 12/11/19 and I'm on my period. Which conclusively means that I didn't get pregnant in 2019.

This ENTIRE year, month after month, I've been waiting. Checking. Praying. Longing. Incessantly tracking my temps, using ovulation sticks, charts, supplements, etc. All because I was convinced God had told me I would get pregnant this year.

But I was wrong.

God never actually told me that. 

I never thought to actually check back through my journals to look at the many words and impressions God has been giving me since He first started me on this journey of motherhood. The only word He actually ever gave me about pregnancy was from Psalm 31 and specifically this: "my times are in His hands."

That's it. He never gave me a date. He never told me 2019. He never told me before age 35. He may have told others dates. All turned out to be wrong. And that's ok. I've always known that precious things of this intimate nature will always only be between me and Him.

I desperately wanted it to happen this year. Before I turned 35, before the team left for Kenya, before the end of 2019, before I went to Hawaii, etc, etc.

But that was me, NOT God.

Me, not God.

Feels like such an important phrase right now. This isn't about me, it's about God. His ways, His agenda, His story, His timing, His timeline. Not Me.

I've spend an entire year being so selfish. Being so fixated on wanting this to happen in a certain time and all God wanted to give me was gifts. Not yet the gift of a child, but the gift of deep prayer, the gift of raising others up, the gifts of promotion at work and growth in ministry, gifts of better health, stronger marriage, deeper dreams for my husband.

And I feel like I've been missing out on so many gifts because I've fixated on the one gift that God never said He was going to give me this year.

The most recent word He has repeated to me over and over again has been: wait. and heritage. That God protects heritage and chooses it, He allots our portions.

So all this time I've been crying out because I've been feeling like I've been in this limbo state, a state between God's promise to me and my reality, both seeming like two poles opposing one another. But the truth is, God's promise stands above and beyond my reality. It's supersedes it, it superimposes it, so much so that sometimes it's an invisible layer that can only be seen thru deep intercession that crosses the boundary of doubt, anger, fear and disappointment.

I was never going to get pregnant this year. 

Man, I wish I had known that 1/2019. I may have done things so differently. But the truth is, God redeems all things and He takes our mistakes and makes fruit even out of misplaced seeds.

So the exciting thing is, God has not yet said ANYTHING about 2020 and what it holds for me in terms of getting pregnant and being a mother. Not one thing. All He has said so far is wait.

WAIT.

But waiting is anything but passive. It's so full of God, so full of hope, so full of expectation, so full of anticipation.

So I can hear from God and God's words and promises are trustworthy. But I'm still human and make mistakes. Big surprise there...

I'm so sorry God. I'm so sorry Jesus for taking your precious words and impressions and trying to fit them into my agenda and timeline. I repent of trying to put so much "me" into the story YOU are creating. I'm so sorry.

I can finally close the chapter on this season of misinformation I brought upon myself. I breathe it out. I breathe out a sigh of relief that it's done. I no longer need to hold on to something that isn't yet mine.

You said wait. You said in its time You will move swiftly.

I believe You.

And N., I know you are in heaven awaiting your entrance into the world.