Fear and the Seed

God didn't have to tell me 11 months ago that I would get pregnant and bear a son. It's not really the norm that you hear. 

So 11 months in, not pregnant, I have to ask myself: why did He tell me ahead of time?

It might have been easier to just leave it vague right? And then one day, I would just miss a period and be pregnant and that's that. 

So why did God choose to bring me on this journey? 

He gave me the seed of desire and this seed of knowledge. And so I began to pray over this seed, praying for fruition of it to a child. 

But the problem is, this seed was SO much more than that. 

What I'm realizing is that this seed wasn't just a desire for a child or knowledge that I would have a child.

This seed is this:

God forming me into a mother. 

So every month that I don't conceive, it's not because God lied or is withholding or making me wait in vain. Every month I don't conceive, it's further formation of this:

God's desire is to make us whole, set us free and make us like Him in every way --single, married, with children, without children.

See, I don't think I fully realize how much fear and anxiety govern my life. I live within a constant state of avoiding harm, controlling everything and waiting for the bottom to give out. 

This has been even more apparent as I have watched my dog deal with a possible chronic illness vs malignancy vs a self-limiting skin issue. It's revealed to me my deep, deep fear of the unknown. 

I don't know fully know what this is and apparently even a biopsy cannot definitively tell us. But God gave me a very clear and surprising word...the only word in the Bible that basically states that as we triumph over our enemies, even our dogs triumph as well (Psalm 68:23). 

And yet I am filled with worry and anxiety each day. I incessantly check her skin. I look all over for a mass. I'm waiting for bad news. I'm waiting for something to form. Even though God has spoken. 

It's exhausting. 

So in this current state, what kind of mother will I be? What kind of life will my child have if I can't trust God? If I'm fearful of the unknown. 

I don't want to parent from fear. In Jesus name, I don't. 

My whole life was governed by fear. Abused as a child, I grew up with fear as my norm. My beautiful mother, although amazing, raised me from a place of fear, trying to protect me and her at all times. Not knowing what the day would bring.

When I got married, I remember asking God to break any generational curses in my new family. I didn't want any remnant, not one. 

And in this season, that breaking is happening. That loosening is happening. That fear is being unearthed and it feels like it's going to destroy me. I feel the weight of it every second of every day. 

Every day I look at my dog, every day I get scared of having an unhealthy child. Every day I'm scared I'm going to be a crappy parent. 

So really the seed that God gave me about conceiving is so much more than just being fertile, having a child and giving birth. The seed is about:

being set free from chronic and pervasive fear. 

So as with any seed, it has to die to bear fruit. And in this season, this "death" has to do with dying to my need to control or even fully understand. This death means I die to my timeline and my need to know. This death also means that Jesus puts an end, a finishing, a death to fear in my life. It also means I have to die to my entitlement to being disappointed or angry with God. I have to die to my second guessing everything God has spoken. I have to die to my need to obsess over the seed and instead obsess over being God's.

I am His. and He is mine.

So how do I let go of this seed and its timeline, but be fully present to God and allow Him to form me and set me free?

I don't really know yet. But I know it has to do with  praise, with prayer, with worship, with pressing in and not giving up, with being near to Jesus, with reaching out for help, with staying present and not dwelling in "what if" lands. It has to do with loving God even when I don't fully see or understand His ways. It has to do with having resilience and perseverance even when I don't feel like it. And it has to do with:

letting go of me, getting out of God's way, and allowing Him to make me.

N., this is probably the roughest season I've had since you were first revealed to me. Fear has overrun my life and you feel so far off. I no longer have any idea when I will meet you and when your appointed time is. I don't know if you will get to meet the dog I love so much. I just don't know anything. But what I do know is that the God that formed the universe has promised to form you and gift you to me. What I do know is that I need Him more than ever and that my need for Him is only going to make me even more ready and more able to love and parent you. I pray that each day you are kept in heaven, that each day I wait for you, that me and your father only grow stronger and more deeply rooted in Jesus. Because ultimately, being rooted in Jesus is the only thing that matters in our lives and in your future life. 

Dear Jesus,

I officially let go of this seed to you, knowing that in my letting go, I give you more weight than I give it. I let it go not because I don't trust it or want it or believe it will happen, but because I want more than just the seed. I want the deeper and even more precious thing you have for me as the seed grows. I want to finally trust you in all things, be set free from fear and know that you will never harm me or forsake me. 

You are only Good.