2019: A review

2019 was an eventful year to say the least.

Jan: Thought I was pregnant, like really believed it. Turned out not to be. Experienced deep disappointment in the midst of it. Decided not to go to Kenya as an act of faith that I would be pregnant. Started leading Friday prayer.

Ash started Thrivent.

Mar: Ash completed intro period at Thrivent. Started really struggling at work due to very difficult boss. I Joined CT at church.

April: Easter bombings in Sri Lanka, Ash traveled to SL, dealing with financial crisis in family. This ended up being a blessing as his sister moved in w/ his parents as a result.

May: Was hospitalized with pneumonia, A1C very high. This began a journey toward health for me, a reversal of bad health

June: Felt God say I've been healed of all my diseases and I can conceive. Ash was baptized, gave first testimony at church. House permits went out from city, first big step toward the build.

July: Team left to Kenya without me and I wasn't pregnant. Huge sense of loss. This ended up leading to Betsy taking on role of Executive Director for Alabaster. Sometimes, stepping back actually launches things forward. Library launched!

Aug: Nuru became ill with discoid lupus. Plunged into state of uncertainty and anxiety over her life. Revealed deep fears I have about loved ones and God's plans for them. Began deeper intercession for her. Received very clear word about her life.

Sept: Growth in ministry, leading Immerse, possibility of preaching at church. Growth for Ash with devotions

Oct: Possibility of Kottu Labs for Ash

Nov: Became CIO and moved into Exec Team at work; Preached for 1st time at Portal; Ash surrendered need for money, gave up $1million check; Ash's boss removed -- answered prayer.

Dec: Cat resigns very suddenly, things at work uncertain, didn't get pregnant in 2019, food poisoning for Christmas. Ash gave testimony at church; Ash's father hospitalized. Nuru still on meds, but starting to improve. Ash lost his wallet and learned something precious about God in the midst of it. Endonyolasho gets permanent clinic worker!

Overall, I felt that this year would be a year of invisible things and of margin. In some ways it was and some ways it wasn't. All I know is that this year was in many ways a breakthrough year for Ash which I praise God for. He was launched in many ways: career, ministry, relationship with God.

For me, it was a very difficult year spiritually as I had to face many deep fears and insecurities and operate from the invisible, in places of delay and in many cases in places where the opposite of what I prayed for occurred. In many areas, this was a year of loss for me, loss of control, loss of expectation, loss of me knowing God in a certain way. I questioned my ability to hear from God, I questioned His goodness, I questioned His plans toward me and for me. I questioned whether He loves me, whether He is for me or against me.

I don't know what 2020 holds. But I enter into it very soberly. Knowing that God is King and I am a mere servant. Not in a resigned way, but in a reverent way, understanding that His plans will always be higher than my plans. Even as I was throwing up violently on Christmas, not understanding why God would allow me to experience this on a day where He had promised gifts for me, I uttered out that I trust Him and that I trust that He will restore all that's been lost.

Perhaps He is the ultimate Gift. And that is enough. 

So I enter into 2020 really only knowing one thing. A thing that's been engraved in me over this year in many painful, but eternal ways. It's been etched into my bones, carved into me, as unbelief has been carved out.

It's simple but powerful:

God is always Good. No matter what.