For perhaps the first 15 years of my adult life (age 18 and above), I never saw myself as mother. I lack patience. I get anxious easily. I have a temper. I used to look at children and feel a sense of dread...so needy, so clingy, so new at everything.
I then married an incredible man, hands down the best. And many thought (even I thought) that my dread would change. That producing something that was half his would be magnificent. And yet 5 years into our marriage, we felt so complete. We rarely argue, we laugh a lot, we see eye to eye on most major issues, we love to travel, love to eat. Many think we are actual blood relatives because in many ways we just fit. So 5 years in, we think, why have children? Things are great the way they are. We can go anywhere we want, sleep for as long as we want, have our house as clean as we want etc. Life is just so simple, not that messy, and peaceful.
And then 10/2018, some switch was turned on in my soul. It was like in an instant, things changed. Suddenly something inside me began to yearn for something more. Not just anything more, but something that was half mine and half his and all God's. I still can't fully tell what exactly triggered it, but it was unmistakable. I began to pray into motherhood more intentionally than ever before. It's still a mystery to me.
As I prayed, I realized I carry a lot of fear, tons of inadequacy, and just plain laziness. I saw my marriage as a gift to be treasured only by us and that's it. After all, it had already borne so much fruit: ministries, libraries, clinics, etc. And yet, God wanted more than that for our marriage. More than that for each of us. Mysterious.
As I prayed, a realized that I yearned for him to be a father more than I wanted to be a mother. I think I carried around this idea that I was never cut out to be a mom. I don't cook. I hate cleaning. I don't like hanging out with children for too long. Kids who throw tantrums really stress me out.
But, God saw something deeper. Something past the inconvenience, fear and inadequacy.
Perhaps it looks something like this:
See this flower is perfect. Fully in bloom. Not missing any petals. It's totally complete. And yet there is another bud forming. It's not yet bloomed, but right there, new life is promised.
See, I know many who have kids because there's some yearning or longing they want filled. There is a gap in their marriage or relationship that children can bridge. I'm not saying that's bad, but that's just not us.
Our story is different.
I believe God unearthed the desire for children in us and continues to grow this because He wants to make us more like Him. He wants us to understand more about who He is, how He loves, how He perseveres. He wants us to deposit the precious seeds of the Holy Spirit in the next generation.
N., I want you because you are God's gift to me. I want you because you are the culmination of every good that me and your father have. I believe you will out-blossom us all, in every way. You will make this fully bloomed flower, that much more glorious. You won't complete us, you will expand us. You will make us better, bigger, more like your Maker.
You will be a precious addition to this world that God has purposed you to be. It's still a mystery when you will come, who will be, or what you will impact.
But, you will come. You will grow. And you will make things more beautiful.
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