The 3 Days

I always wonder what it was like for the people closest to Jesus during the 3 days between His death and His resurrection? What would have been like to have walked so closely with someone, seen so many miracles, hear so many promises of victory and deliverance and then see those horrifically come to an end? And then...silence. Waiting...Nothingness...3 days. 

Why did Jesus wait a whole 3 days to reveal Himself, to rise from the dead? I mean He could have risen after 1 day? or 2 days? Why 3 days?

Somehow in those 3 days, God allowed the disciples and those closest to Jesus to feel the incredible weight of their disappointment, their dashed expectations, their doubt and perhaps even anger. 

Have you ever experienced this type of "3 days"?

It's similar to the delay we see in John 11 when Jesus comes on to the scene after Lazarus is already dead. He knew he was sick, but waited and seemed to delay. 

Delay

What is the purpose of delay?

I'm realizing for me, delay unearths every untruth I have about God. It reveals every shakiness in my faith. It uproots every area of unbelief, of anger, of mistrust, of worry, of faithlessness, of fear, of the lie that God is out to get me. 

Delay has purpose. 

It could either kill you or launch you into greater depths of intimacy with Jesus than ever before. 

Delay is a time of darkness. Not evil darkness, not negative darkness, but a time of stillness, where all human doing, human focus comes to a standstill. 

What else can we do when we are in a time of delay? Yes, we can run from it. But if we really want the precious things in secret places, treasures in darkness, we need to submit to the darkness of delay...where we are only reliant on God. Every other distraction, thoughts of fleeing, temptation to control or even get angry is swallowed by the Great Darkness of a Good God. 

The Great Darkness. 

Seems so counterintuitive, but it's true. 

Psalm 18 says: "He made darkness His covering, His canopy around Him"

Why would God make darkness His canopy and covering? Why not bright light? Why not bring clarity instead of blindness?

Same with those 3 days right? Why delay? Why on the road to Emmaus was Jesus not recognizable to them at first? 

What is the purpose of this type of darkness?

Those 3 days were characterized by darkness, by delay, by an invisibility of God.

But God may be shrouded in darkness, but it doesn't mean He's not present. 

Presence and invisibility are not mutually exclusive. 

God can be present, but not fully seen. Those 3 days were so characterized by this. 

I too am in delay, in darkness, in my "3 days"

And yes, it's been devastating. I've felt so alone, so lost, so unseen by God. 

But I wonder if this season of delay actually isn't about me being seen by God, but actually about me seeing God. Yes, learning to see God even as He makes darkness His canopy. Perhaps this season is about me seeing God and in doing so realizing that God ALWAYS sees me. 

That's probably why most of the time I want to run from this season. In this season, "me" is de-throned and God is supreme. I'm not the center of attention, it's not about my agenda or even ultimately my desires. It's about God ALONE. And that's really hard. Because humanity always bends towards itself. 

Perhaps that's the real meaning of Christmas as well. Christmas is not really about us being born again in Jesus and being seen by Him, but it's about Jesus coming IN. It's about Jesus being seen, being in the center, being magnified, glorified. 

So of course, we cover it with lights, color, tinsel and make it about us and not about Jesus. But the reality of Christmas is truly this:

it was a silent night. 

Silent, not lots of distraction. Night, not much else is seen except the coming of the Savior of the world. 

The coming of Jesus happened in darkness, in silence, in stillness. Similar to those 3 days. Jesus rose in the midst of darkness, in silence, in stillness. 

The bottom line is this:

Jesus comes. Not is coming, not came, but comes. Ongoing. Present. Never ceasing. 

He comes in the delay, He comes in the darkness, He comes in the silence, He comes in the stillness, He comes in the waiting. 

He comes. This is hope. That He comes. 

I was wrong

It's 12/11/19 and I'm on my period. Which conclusively means that I didn't get pregnant in 2019.

This ENTIRE year, month after month, I've been waiting. Checking. Praying. Longing. Incessantly tracking my temps, using ovulation sticks, charts, supplements, etc. All because I was convinced God had told me I would get pregnant this year.

But I was wrong.

God never actually told me that. 

I never thought to actually check back through my journals to look at the many words and impressions God has been giving me since He first started me on this journey of motherhood. The only word He actually ever gave me about pregnancy was from Psalm 31 and specifically this: "my times are in His hands."

That's it. He never gave me a date. He never told me 2019. He never told me before age 35. He may have told others dates. All turned out to be wrong. And that's ok. I've always known that precious things of this intimate nature will always only be between me and Him.

I desperately wanted it to happen this year. Before I turned 35, before the team left for Kenya, before the end of 2019, before I went to Hawaii, etc, etc.

But that was me, NOT God.

Me, not God.

Feels like such an important phrase right now. This isn't about me, it's about God. His ways, His agenda, His story, His timing, His timeline. Not Me.

I've spend an entire year being so selfish. Being so fixated on wanting this to happen in a certain time and all God wanted to give me was gifts. Not yet the gift of a child, but the gift of deep prayer, the gift of raising others up, the gifts of promotion at work and growth in ministry, gifts of better health, stronger marriage, deeper dreams for my husband.

And I feel like I've been missing out on so many gifts because I've fixated on the one gift that God never said He was going to give me this year.

The most recent word He has repeated to me over and over again has been: wait. and heritage. That God protects heritage and chooses it, He allots our portions.

So all this time I've been crying out because I've been feeling like I've been in this limbo state, a state between God's promise to me and my reality, both seeming like two poles opposing one another. But the truth is, God's promise stands above and beyond my reality. It's supersedes it, it superimposes it, so much so that sometimes it's an invisible layer that can only be seen thru deep intercession that crosses the boundary of doubt, anger, fear and disappointment.

I was never going to get pregnant this year. 

Man, I wish I had known that 1/2019. I may have done things so differently. But the truth is, God redeems all things and He takes our mistakes and makes fruit even out of misplaced seeds.

So the exciting thing is, God has not yet said ANYTHING about 2020 and what it holds for me in terms of getting pregnant and being a mother. Not one thing. All He has said so far is wait.

WAIT.

But waiting is anything but passive. It's so full of God, so full of hope, so full of expectation, so full of anticipation.

So I can hear from God and God's words and promises are trustworthy. But I'm still human and make mistakes. Big surprise there...

I'm so sorry God. I'm so sorry Jesus for taking your precious words and impressions and trying to fit them into my agenda and timeline. I repent of trying to put so much "me" into the story YOU are creating. I'm so sorry.

I can finally close the chapter on this season of misinformation I brought upon myself. I breathe it out. I breathe out a sigh of relief that it's done. I no longer need to hold on to something that isn't yet mine.

You said wait. You said in its time You will move swiftly.

I believe You.

And N., I know you are in heaven awaiting your entrance into the world.

Can These Bones Live?

God asks us this, not the other way around. I don't think I ever realized that. In this well-known passage in Ezekiel 37, it's not the prophet that asks if dry bones can live, but God asks him this.

Why does God ask us a question? Why would God ask this if He knew He could turn bones into an army?

I think perhaps He was calling out faith. God can do miracles in our lives, but what's the point of doing miracles if we miss out on the greater gift...? the Gift of knowing the bigness, the wonder and the sovereignty of God?

I think God had to engage the prophet in this way. He made him come face-to-face with the death, the nothingness, the dryness of that valley. The word says, God led him "back and forth" through the valley.

Why would God make him go back and forth, face-to-face with the stench of zero? And in the midst of that ask him if these bones can live?

What is the greater thing God calls out of us when we are in the valley? 

In this passage, it's faith, not just any faith, but a courage to come face-to-face with nothing and believe that in the midst of this, God is.

God is. 

Of course the prophet answers in a self-preserving, sort of detached way:"Only You know God." I mean it sounds holy and humble, but to me, it also has the sting of resignation in it. "Well, how would I know? Everything is dead. Obviously only you know God."

What does God do when we have resigned to the outcome? When we have allowed our reality to overshadow His greater Reality?

He shows up and shows off! That's what God does. And in His infinite grace, He uses us to glorify Himself.

God could have just caused the dry bones to come to life on His own, but He did it through the prophet. He allowed the prophet to prophesy to the bones to cause life to spring forth.

God is so gracious to use ordinary beings to manifest His glory. 

And as this miracle happens, not only does the prophet see it, but he hears it. He said, and there was a sound. 

What does it sound like when life overcomes death? When miracles spring up? When fruit is borne out of nothingness?

I want to be a person who can behold this sound, even before I see it.

Can we be people of the sound?

This miracle is so layered because the word then says that the bones came together with muscle, flesh and skin, but they had no breath.

That's a terrifying picture don't you think? They were like zombie people or something, alive in body, but dead in soul?

So sometimes miracles happen in stages. 

Bones turned into skin and flesh, but they weren't actually alive yet.

Breath had to be called upon and it says, the breath not only brought them to life, but the bones became an exceedingly vast army.

Bones to army. Death to life. Dryness to breath.

Why didn't the bones come together and also have breath all at once? Why the stages?

Perhaps it was to highlight the importance of the breath or otherwise known as the spirit.

The spirit wasn't the same as flesh, skin and muscle. It was other. An entity in of itself.

And then God talks about open graves.

Open graves.

Where are the areas in our lives where we need open graves? Where we want the sting of death to be broken? Where we want barrenness to be shattered and that grave opened forever?

And then God talks about lands, being brought back, being settled. All for His glory: so that you may know I am God. 

What is my so that you may know?

What is the area in my life that God wants total glory and credit for?

Our so that you may know is often the deepest grave, the driest place, the loneliest valley, the most "bony" place. It is in these places that God arises. It is in these places that He awakens faith and asks:

Can these bones live?

In the Secret Place

In the darkness, in the secret
You are most present
Most alive

We feel Your breath
Your Four Winds renewing every tattered place
In the silence of darkness, Your Voice echoes

In the secret place we hear the Sound
The Sound of valley-ed bones given breath
In darkness is the ground made ripe for life
In secret is the greatness of Your move known

So we welcome you dark
We welcome you silence
We seek you O secret place
For in the secret place:
we are made new

*********************************************************************************

The cells move into formation in the secret place
In the swallows of darkness, life springs up
It finds a way in the secret place
Cells turn to tissue, tissue into tendons, tendons to muscle, muscle into bone
Bone into skin, skin into breath, breath into
Spirit

N., you were given to me in this secret place. Your spirit birthed first. And soon you will be formed in the secret place. Soon, the world will know this:

In the secret place, the world is changed, one treasure at a time. 

Press Into Weakness

In this season, I am realizing that I am more weak than I am strong. For a enneagram 3, this is rough. We pride ourselves on achieving, excelling, being the best. But I'm realizing the path to greatness is paved with lots of weakness, lots of facing one's inadequacy, lots of choosing the harder thing, the thing that will expose all of my soft spots.

God is calling me into new places, places of creativity, places where I am out of my element. For the most part, I naturally operate out of my giftings. Worship leading, being a leader at work, starting nonprofits.

But now...God is saying, don't choose what your gifts dictate. Don't choose what may come naturally to you. Choose the harder thing, choose God and what He wants to release, which may or may not come naturally to me.

See choosing the harder thing = pressing into weakness = requires faith

Have you ever engaged in something that seems way-less? That feels so impossible that you tangibly feel the weight of your inadequacy? You tangibly experience your zero?

Most of us don't because this is supremely uncomfortable. It's stressful, its unnerving and frankly, it's really inconvenient.

See, God specializes in glorifying Himself in way-less places. In places where humanly there is no way forward. In places that seem at a standstill, paralyzed, stuck, hopeless.

But to experience His glory, we must choose to be weak. Choose hard things. Choose to peer into the darkness and discover the treasure. We will never discover, if we don't press in and if we don't press in, we will never truly know His glory or be launched fully into the great purposes God wants to establish in and through us.

Being a mother feels like a way-less place. The possibility of preaching in church feels like a way-less place. Seeing homelessness in Skid Row come to an end most definitely feels like a way-less place.

I could easily run. It would be so much e a s i e r. Just say no, self-protect, "take a break," say I'm too busy, say I need rest. These aren't bad things, but in this season, I know these are pathetic excuses.

I have to P R E S S in. Face my fears, face my inadequacy, choose the much harder thing. Peer into the dark. Find my way to the secret places, the places that aren't always fun, successful, or productive, but SO full of God.

What is my secret place in this season? What is the "dark" God is calling me to peer into? What is my weakness I'm supposed to press into?

I think for me, it's pressing into the fact that I can't make myself get pregnant. I am totally at the mercy of God. And instead of running from this fact, I need to make a home there. I need to build a home within this reality, within this truth and dwell here until God moves.

I think for me, it's pressing into the fact that God will always call me into things that I can't do without Him. Where's the fun in only doing things you are good at? Suck at something every day, I think is another way of saying, press into weakness. Whether that's being a mother, song-writing, preaching, being an executive, advocating, I will need to face my inadequacy and learn to find the bridge from my inadequacy to Jesus and make Him my starting point.

See so that's the ultimate truth: pressing into weakness means finding a way to Jesus and making Him your starting point. So it's not your inadequacy or even your pressing in or choosing that is the starting point. It's actually Jesus, deep intimacy and oneness with Jesus.

So choosing the hard thing = pressing into weakness = requires faith = makes Jesus your starting point

So this season of creativity is going to be marked by weakness. But in the midst of this weakness, I get to make Jesus the starting point of all things and that can only lead to His glory and my ultimate joy.

N., I haven't written to you in so long. Mainly because writing to you forces me to press into areas of extreme weakness. Areas where I doubt you will ever come, areas where I'm not sure if I can hear from God, areas where I question my ability to ever be a good mother, bear a child, be in labor, care for you, shepherd you well.

You will be the greatest creation in my life. This I know. I still long for you.

Deliverance: Swords for Stones

This word gets talked about a lot in charismatic Christian circles, but I've never really stopped to understand it.

The dictionary definition of it is: to be set free, rescued.

But what I'm realizing is that it's more than that.

Deliverance means not just to be set free, but to receive a delivery of Jesus more deeply and more fully.

So being delivered is not just about things being let go, but actually about receiving more.

This is the season I'm in. I believe Jesus desires to set me free from deep fear, but this freedom actually has more to do with me more fully receiving Him, than just the chains of fear being broken. They are two sides of the same coin.

So how do I fully receive my beautiful, powerful and wondrous Jesus in this season where so many of my fears are flaring and most hours are filled with worry, doubt and anxiety?

The battle is real, intense, and easily discourages me. But the answer is simple. When fear rears its ugly head, when the worry flares, when the doubts arise:

pray and praise. 

That's it.

PRAY AND PRAISE, SHANNON.

When Nuru's nose starts to bleed, when I get insecure about my calling or leading, when I think about being a parent, when I worry about work or Ash:

pray and praise.

It seems super simple, but it's actually not. Everything in my humanity says not to pray and praise, but instead to control, worry, overthink, and turn inward.

But God is teaching me to pray and praise into giant-hood in the season. See, we talk so much about David and Goliath. David being the small shepherd boy with a slingshot and stone and the enemy being a huge giant, more strong, more ferocious, more courageous.

But Jesus is calling me to be a giant in enemy territory. To be a giant in praise, to be a giant in prayer. That in the Spirit, He is making me a giant IN HIM, not out of my own power, holiness or might. No. He is making me a giant because of His anointing, His promise, His presence, the delivery of His presence. Him setting me free so I no longer have a small stone, but a giant sword of the Spirit.

His deliverance = giant-hood. 

When we pray and praise in the midst of the battle, in the face of our fears, surrounded by insecurities and doubts, God trades our small stone for a sword. He makes us into fierce warriors, giants in the Spirit who can hunt down the enemy, take back His land, rebuke evil.

His deliverance = overcoming

This season is this: swords for stones. 

Jesus is teaching me to be a giant in the midst of my enemies so that when in battle, His Spirit within me rises up in strength, in resilience, in power to tear down strongholds, rebuke illness, push back worry, defeat lies.

His deliverance bears fruit.

I'm realizing I'm desperate to be fruitful for Jesus. I want Him to use me powerfully to bring His kingdom on earth. Not later, but now. In an immediate way.

N., you are part of that fruit. I fully believe that. I long for you, but I also know this season of deliverance is so necessary before you begin to grow in my womb. My womb, physical and spiritual, are being made new, being delivered in such a way so that you will grow perfectly, without any residue of generational fear or anxiety. So I surrender to this season of deliverance. I receive fully my Jesus as He sets me free. I want my womb to be made adequate for you N.

And to C. The beloved woman I cared for on Thursday whose eye was fully eroded so much so that only a cavity remained -- thank you for allowing me to know you. I know not how long you will live or survive. But I know that meeting you reminded me of why I do what I do every day. To fight for you. To advocate for you. To heal you even in a small way. I don't want to forget you so I write about you here. When you're in heaven, fully restored, may the light in both your eyes shine so bright. May you know the fullness of joy that comes when every giant in your life is defeated and you stand tall before our God.

I will never forget you.

Fear and the Seed

God didn't have to tell me 11 months ago that I would get pregnant and bear a son. It's not really the norm that you hear. 

So 11 months in, not pregnant, I have to ask myself: why did He tell me ahead of time?

It might have been easier to just leave it vague right? And then one day, I would just miss a period and be pregnant and that's that. 

So why did God choose to bring me on this journey? 

He gave me the seed of desire and this seed of knowledge. And so I began to pray over this seed, praying for fruition of it to a child. 

But the problem is, this seed was SO much more than that. 

What I'm realizing is that this seed wasn't just a desire for a child or knowledge that I would have a child.

This seed is this:

God forming me into a mother. 

So every month that I don't conceive, it's not because God lied or is withholding or making me wait in vain. Every month I don't conceive, it's further formation of this:

God's desire is to make us whole, set us free and make us like Him in every way --single, married, with children, without children.

See, I don't think I fully realize how much fear and anxiety govern my life. I live within a constant state of avoiding harm, controlling everything and waiting for the bottom to give out. 

This has been even more apparent as I have watched my dog deal with a possible chronic illness vs malignancy vs a self-limiting skin issue. It's revealed to me my deep, deep fear of the unknown. 

I don't know fully know what this is and apparently even a biopsy cannot definitively tell us. But God gave me a very clear and surprising word...the only word in the Bible that basically states that as we triumph over our enemies, even our dogs triumph as well (Psalm 68:23). 

And yet I am filled with worry and anxiety each day. I incessantly check her skin. I look all over for a mass. I'm waiting for bad news. I'm waiting for something to form. Even though God has spoken. 

It's exhausting. 

So in this current state, what kind of mother will I be? What kind of life will my child have if I can't trust God? If I'm fearful of the unknown. 

I don't want to parent from fear. In Jesus name, I don't. 

My whole life was governed by fear. Abused as a child, I grew up with fear as my norm. My beautiful mother, although amazing, raised me from a place of fear, trying to protect me and her at all times. Not knowing what the day would bring.

When I got married, I remember asking God to break any generational curses in my new family. I didn't want any remnant, not one. 

And in this season, that breaking is happening. That loosening is happening. That fear is being unearthed and it feels like it's going to destroy me. I feel the weight of it every second of every day. 

Every day I look at my dog, every day I get scared of having an unhealthy child. Every day I'm scared I'm going to be a crappy parent. 

So really the seed that God gave me about conceiving is so much more than just being fertile, having a child and giving birth. The seed is about:

being set free from chronic and pervasive fear. 

So as with any seed, it has to die to bear fruit. And in this season, this "death" has to do with dying to my need to control or even fully understand. This death means I die to my timeline and my need to know. This death also means that Jesus puts an end, a finishing, a death to fear in my life. It also means I have to die to my entitlement to being disappointed or angry with God. I have to die to my second guessing everything God has spoken. I have to die to my need to obsess over the seed and instead obsess over being God's.

I am His. and He is mine.

So how do I let go of this seed and its timeline, but be fully present to God and allow Him to form me and set me free?

I don't really know yet. But I know it has to do with  praise, with prayer, with worship, with pressing in and not giving up, with being near to Jesus, with reaching out for help, with staying present and not dwelling in "what if" lands. It has to do with loving God even when I don't fully see or understand His ways. It has to do with having resilience and perseverance even when I don't feel like it. And it has to do with:

letting go of me, getting out of God's way, and allowing Him to make me.

N., this is probably the roughest season I've had since you were first revealed to me. Fear has overrun my life and you feel so far off. I no longer have any idea when I will meet you and when your appointed time is. I don't know if you will get to meet the dog I love so much. I just don't know anything. But what I do know is that the God that formed the universe has promised to form you and gift you to me. What I do know is that I need Him more than ever and that my need for Him is only going to make me even more ready and more able to love and parent you. I pray that each day you are kept in heaven, that each day I wait for you, that me and your father only grow stronger and more deeply rooted in Jesus. Because ultimately, being rooted in Jesus is the only thing that matters in our lives and in your future life. 

Dear Jesus,

I officially let go of this seed to you, knowing that in my letting go, I give you more weight than I give it. I let it go not because I don't trust it or want it or believe it will happen, but because I want more than just the seed. I want the deeper and even more precious thing you have for me as the seed grows. I want to finally trust you in all things, be set free from fear and know that you will never harm me or forsake me. 

You are only Good.