2019: A review

2019 was an eventful year to say the least.

Jan: Thought I was pregnant, like really believed it. Turned out not to be. Experienced deep disappointment in the midst of it. Decided not to go to Kenya as an act of faith that I would be pregnant. Started leading Friday prayer.

Ash started Thrivent.

Mar: Ash completed intro period at Thrivent. Started really struggling at work due to very difficult boss. I Joined CT at church.

April: Easter bombings in Sri Lanka, Ash traveled to SL, dealing with financial crisis in family. This ended up being a blessing as his sister moved in w/ his parents as a result.

May: Was hospitalized with pneumonia, A1C very high. This began a journey toward health for me, a reversal of bad health

June: Felt God say I've been healed of all my diseases and I can conceive. Ash was baptized, gave first testimony at church. House permits went out from city, first big step toward the build.

July: Team left to Kenya without me and I wasn't pregnant. Huge sense of loss. This ended up leading to Betsy taking on role of Executive Director for Alabaster. Sometimes, stepping back actually launches things forward. Library launched!

Aug: Nuru became ill with discoid lupus. Plunged into state of uncertainty and anxiety over her life. Revealed deep fears I have about loved ones and God's plans for them. Began deeper intercession for her. Received very clear word about her life.

Sept: Growth in ministry, leading Immerse, possibility of preaching at church. Growth for Ash with devotions

Oct: Possibility of Kottu Labs for Ash

Nov: Became CIO and moved into Exec Team at work; Preached for 1st time at Portal; Ash surrendered need for money, gave up $1million check; Ash's boss removed -- answered prayer.

Dec: Cat resigns very suddenly, things at work uncertain, didn't get pregnant in 2019, food poisoning for Christmas. Ash gave testimony at church; Ash's father hospitalized. Nuru still on meds, but starting to improve. Ash lost his wallet and learned something precious about God in the midst of it. Endonyolasho gets permanent clinic worker!

Overall, I felt that this year would be a year of invisible things and of margin. In some ways it was and some ways it wasn't. All I know is that this year was in many ways a breakthrough year for Ash which I praise God for. He was launched in many ways: career, ministry, relationship with God.

For me, it was a very difficult year spiritually as I had to face many deep fears and insecurities and operate from the invisible, in places of delay and in many cases in places where the opposite of what I prayed for occurred. In many areas, this was a year of loss for me, loss of control, loss of expectation, loss of me knowing God in a certain way. I questioned my ability to hear from God, I questioned His goodness, I questioned His plans toward me and for me. I questioned whether He loves me, whether He is for me or against me.

I don't know what 2020 holds. But I enter into it very soberly. Knowing that God is King and I am a mere servant. Not in a resigned way, but in a reverent way, understanding that His plans will always be higher than my plans. Even as I was throwing up violently on Christmas, not understanding why God would allow me to experience this on a day where He had promised gifts for me, I uttered out that I trust Him and that I trust that He will restore all that's been lost.

Perhaps He is the ultimate Gift. And that is enough. 

So I enter into 2020 really only knowing one thing. A thing that's been engraved in me over this year in many painful, but eternal ways. It's been etched into my bones, carved into me, as unbelief has been carved out.

It's simple but powerful:

God is always Good. No matter what.

In the Middle

One of my favorite worship leader's daughter died in her sleep a week ago. She had just released an album with a song called In the Middle of It. Talking about how to find God in the midst of chaos, destruction, despair, loss.

And then her daughter died. She went to sleep and never woke up.

And the world around this worship leader erupted, either with emphatic cries for resurrection, outpouring of grief or skepticism at their response to the death: instead of despair, they faced the situation with praise and the belief that God could bring her back to life.

She never rose.

How do we move in this space now?

When someone who has devoted her life to God and led people to the throne room of God, cried out for a miracle and didn't get it. How does she, how do we, how do I navigate God in this space?

See, this death isn't like some drunk driver hit her and died and so there's some rationale like well God loves the victim and the perpetrator the same, etc. etc.

This death feels FROM God. That He allowed it in a very purposeful way. After all, this young girl was 2, her whole life ahead of her, not ill, not broken. So why take her?

WHY

This why has echoed throughout the world, but it feels deafening in my spirit today. Why God do You allow these types of things to happen and for what purpose?

And more importantly, how do we trust You, believe You are safe, when we see You allow these circumstances?

It's true, you give and take away.

I'm realizing I don't know how to move with you in the "take away" seasons. I don't know how to trust you.

And today, for the first real time, I confessed this to Jesus:

I'M TERRIFIED OF HAVING A CHILD.

It feel a terror, a sense of loss of control, a stepping into an abyss where I'm falling and I don't know where the ground is and if it is there, is it going to catch me or kill me?

I'm realizing that I have a deep fear in my heart that God is out to get me, that He has hard things only for me. That He will use my life to glorify Himself no matter what the impact to me.

Today I heard Him say: I don't glorify Myself at your expense

But don't you God? You allowed this little girl to die, suddenly, tragically, without warning. I'm assuming at some point You will be glorified and good will come from it. But isn't that at the expense of this mother's grief? Won't she carry around a lifelong wound? Won't she often question Your goodness?

And yet you allowed this loss and death.

So are You safe? Are You worthy of our trust when You are seemingly unpredictable?

I'm so scared of having sick child. Or to one day find my child dead.

I'm scared of loss, of heartbreak, of grief.

And yet, God is inviting me into this. He is inviting me into the journey of motherhood where loss, grief and heartbreak are inevitable. Where I won't ever fully know what's in store.

His invitation is to find Him, right in the middle of it. To find Him right in the middle of my every why. To journey with Him in the unknown perhaps to find out this truth:

That He is always good, always worthy of my trust and always working on my behalf, no matter what.

God, I don't know how to get rid of my fear or to trust you, a God who is totally Other.

I grieve my unknowing honestly.

But today, I open my hands reluctantly and say yes to your invitation. A feeble yes, a tentative yes, but a yes, nonetheless.

I have no idea what story you have in store for me and Ash. I have no idea what kind of losses and heartbreak we will have to endure.

But I have to know, deep down, of this:

I will find You always right in the middle of it.

Rest in power O.H.

The 3 Days

I always wonder what it was like for the people closest to Jesus during the 3 days between His death and His resurrection? What would have been like to have walked so closely with someone, seen so many miracles, hear so many promises of victory and deliverance and then see those horrifically come to an end? And then...silence. Waiting...Nothingness...3 days. 

Why did Jesus wait a whole 3 days to reveal Himself, to rise from the dead? I mean He could have risen after 1 day? or 2 days? Why 3 days?

Somehow in those 3 days, God allowed the disciples and those closest to Jesus to feel the incredible weight of their disappointment, their dashed expectations, their doubt and perhaps even anger. 

Have you ever experienced this type of "3 days"?

It's similar to the delay we see in John 11 when Jesus comes on to the scene after Lazarus is already dead. He knew he was sick, but waited and seemed to delay. 

Delay

What is the purpose of delay?

I'm realizing for me, delay unearths every untruth I have about God. It reveals every shakiness in my faith. It uproots every area of unbelief, of anger, of mistrust, of worry, of faithlessness, of fear, of the lie that God is out to get me. 

Delay has purpose. 

It could either kill you or launch you into greater depths of intimacy with Jesus than ever before. 

Delay is a time of darkness. Not evil darkness, not negative darkness, but a time of stillness, where all human doing, human focus comes to a standstill. 

What else can we do when we are in a time of delay? Yes, we can run from it. But if we really want the precious things in secret places, treasures in darkness, we need to submit to the darkness of delay...where we are only reliant on God. Every other distraction, thoughts of fleeing, temptation to control or even get angry is swallowed by the Great Darkness of a Good God. 

The Great Darkness. 

Seems so counterintuitive, but it's true. 

Psalm 18 says: "He made darkness His covering, His canopy around Him"

Why would God make darkness His canopy and covering? Why not bright light? Why not bring clarity instead of blindness?

Same with those 3 days right? Why delay? Why on the road to Emmaus was Jesus not recognizable to them at first? 

What is the purpose of this type of darkness?

Those 3 days were characterized by darkness, by delay, by an invisibility of God.

But God may be shrouded in darkness, but it doesn't mean He's not present. 

Presence and invisibility are not mutually exclusive. 

God can be present, but not fully seen. Those 3 days were so characterized by this. 

I too am in delay, in darkness, in my "3 days"

And yes, it's been devastating. I've felt so alone, so lost, so unseen by God. 

But I wonder if this season of delay actually isn't about me being seen by God, but actually about me seeing God. Yes, learning to see God even as He makes darkness His canopy. Perhaps this season is about me seeing God and in doing so realizing that God ALWAYS sees me. 

That's probably why most of the time I want to run from this season. In this season, "me" is de-throned and God is supreme. I'm not the center of attention, it's not about my agenda or even ultimately my desires. It's about God ALONE. And that's really hard. Because humanity always bends towards itself. 

Perhaps that's the real meaning of Christmas as well. Christmas is not really about us being born again in Jesus and being seen by Him, but it's about Jesus coming IN. It's about Jesus being seen, being in the center, being magnified, glorified. 

So of course, we cover it with lights, color, tinsel and make it about us and not about Jesus. But the reality of Christmas is truly this:

it was a silent night. 

Silent, not lots of distraction. Night, not much else is seen except the coming of the Savior of the world. 

The coming of Jesus happened in darkness, in silence, in stillness. Similar to those 3 days. Jesus rose in the midst of darkness, in silence, in stillness. 

The bottom line is this:

Jesus comes. Not is coming, not came, but comes. Ongoing. Present. Never ceasing. 

He comes in the delay, He comes in the darkness, He comes in the silence, He comes in the stillness, He comes in the waiting. 

He comes. This is hope. That He comes. 

I was wrong

It's 12/11/19 and I'm on my period. Which conclusively means that I didn't get pregnant in 2019.

This ENTIRE year, month after month, I've been waiting. Checking. Praying. Longing. Incessantly tracking my temps, using ovulation sticks, charts, supplements, etc. All because I was convinced God had told me I would get pregnant this year.

But I was wrong.

God never actually told me that. 

I never thought to actually check back through my journals to look at the many words and impressions God has been giving me since He first started me on this journey of motherhood. The only word He actually ever gave me about pregnancy was from Psalm 31 and specifically this: "my times are in His hands."

That's it. He never gave me a date. He never told me 2019. He never told me before age 35. He may have told others dates. All turned out to be wrong. And that's ok. I've always known that precious things of this intimate nature will always only be between me and Him.

I desperately wanted it to happen this year. Before I turned 35, before the team left for Kenya, before the end of 2019, before I went to Hawaii, etc, etc.

But that was me, NOT God.

Me, not God.

Feels like such an important phrase right now. This isn't about me, it's about God. His ways, His agenda, His story, His timing, His timeline. Not Me.

I've spend an entire year being so selfish. Being so fixated on wanting this to happen in a certain time and all God wanted to give me was gifts. Not yet the gift of a child, but the gift of deep prayer, the gift of raising others up, the gifts of promotion at work and growth in ministry, gifts of better health, stronger marriage, deeper dreams for my husband.

And I feel like I've been missing out on so many gifts because I've fixated on the one gift that God never said He was going to give me this year.

The most recent word He has repeated to me over and over again has been: wait. and heritage. That God protects heritage and chooses it, He allots our portions.

So all this time I've been crying out because I've been feeling like I've been in this limbo state, a state between God's promise to me and my reality, both seeming like two poles opposing one another. But the truth is, God's promise stands above and beyond my reality. It's supersedes it, it superimposes it, so much so that sometimes it's an invisible layer that can only be seen thru deep intercession that crosses the boundary of doubt, anger, fear and disappointment.

I was never going to get pregnant this year. 

Man, I wish I had known that 1/2019. I may have done things so differently. But the truth is, God redeems all things and He takes our mistakes and makes fruit even out of misplaced seeds.

So the exciting thing is, God has not yet said ANYTHING about 2020 and what it holds for me in terms of getting pregnant and being a mother. Not one thing. All He has said so far is wait.

WAIT.

But waiting is anything but passive. It's so full of God, so full of hope, so full of expectation, so full of anticipation.

So I can hear from God and God's words and promises are trustworthy. But I'm still human and make mistakes. Big surprise there...

I'm so sorry God. I'm so sorry Jesus for taking your precious words and impressions and trying to fit them into my agenda and timeline. I repent of trying to put so much "me" into the story YOU are creating. I'm so sorry.

I can finally close the chapter on this season of misinformation I brought upon myself. I breathe it out. I breathe out a sigh of relief that it's done. I no longer need to hold on to something that isn't yet mine.

You said wait. You said in its time You will move swiftly.

I believe You.

And N., I know you are in heaven awaiting your entrance into the world.

Can These Bones Live?

God asks us this, not the other way around. I don't think I ever realized that. In this well-known passage in Ezekiel 37, it's not the prophet that asks if dry bones can live, but God asks him this.

Why does God ask us a question? Why would God ask this if He knew He could turn bones into an army?

I think perhaps He was calling out faith. God can do miracles in our lives, but what's the point of doing miracles if we miss out on the greater gift...? the Gift of knowing the bigness, the wonder and the sovereignty of God?

I think God had to engage the prophet in this way. He made him come face-to-face with the death, the nothingness, the dryness of that valley. The word says, God led him "back and forth" through the valley.

Why would God make him go back and forth, face-to-face with the stench of zero? And in the midst of that ask him if these bones can live?

What is the greater thing God calls out of us when we are in the valley? 

In this passage, it's faith, not just any faith, but a courage to come face-to-face with nothing and believe that in the midst of this, God is.

God is. 

Of course the prophet answers in a self-preserving, sort of detached way:"Only You know God." I mean it sounds holy and humble, but to me, it also has the sting of resignation in it. "Well, how would I know? Everything is dead. Obviously only you know God."

What does God do when we have resigned to the outcome? When we have allowed our reality to overshadow His greater Reality?

He shows up and shows off! That's what God does. And in His infinite grace, He uses us to glorify Himself.

God could have just caused the dry bones to come to life on His own, but He did it through the prophet. He allowed the prophet to prophesy to the bones to cause life to spring forth.

God is so gracious to use ordinary beings to manifest His glory. 

And as this miracle happens, not only does the prophet see it, but he hears it. He said, and there was a sound. 

What does it sound like when life overcomes death? When miracles spring up? When fruit is borne out of nothingness?

I want to be a person who can behold this sound, even before I see it.

Can we be people of the sound?

This miracle is so layered because the word then says that the bones came together with muscle, flesh and skin, but they had no breath.

That's a terrifying picture don't you think? They were like zombie people or something, alive in body, but dead in soul?

So sometimes miracles happen in stages. 

Bones turned into skin and flesh, but they weren't actually alive yet.

Breath had to be called upon and it says, the breath not only brought them to life, but the bones became an exceedingly vast army.

Bones to army. Death to life. Dryness to breath.

Why didn't the bones come together and also have breath all at once? Why the stages?

Perhaps it was to highlight the importance of the breath or otherwise known as the spirit.

The spirit wasn't the same as flesh, skin and muscle. It was other. An entity in of itself.

And then God talks about open graves.

Open graves.

Where are the areas in our lives where we need open graves? Where we want the sting of death to be broken? Where we want barrenness to be shattered and that grave opened forever?

And then God talks about lands, being brought back, being settled. All for His glory: so that you may know I am God. 

What is my so that you may know?

What is the area in my life that God wants total glory and credit for?

Our so that you may know is often the deepest grave, the driest place, the loneliest valley, the most "bony" place. It is in these places that God arises. It is in these places that He awakens faith and asks:

Can these bones live?

In the Secret Place

In the darkness, in the secret
You are most present
Most alive

We feel Your breath
Your Four Winds renewing every tattered place
In the silence of darkness, Your Voice echoes

In the secret place we hear the Sound
The Sound of valley-ed bones given breath
In darkness is the ground made ripe for life
In secret is the greatness of Your move known

So we welcome you dark
We welcome you silence
We seek you O secret place
For in the secret place:
we are made new

*********************************************************************************

The cells move into formation in the secret place
In the swallows of darkness, life springs up
It finds a way in the secret place
Cells turn to tissue, tissue into tendons, tendons to muscle, muscle into bone
Bone into skin, skin into breath, breath into
Spirit

N., you were given to me in this secret place. Your spirit birthed first. And soon you will be formed in the secret place. Soon, the world will know this:

In the secret place, the world is changed, one treasure at a time. 

Press Into Weakness

In this season, I am realizing that I am more weak than I am strong. For a enneagram 3, this is rough. We pride ourselves on achieving, excelling, being the best. But I'm realizing the path to greatness is paved with lots of weakness, lots of facing one's inadequacy, lots of choosing the harder thing, the thing that will expose all of my soft spots.

God is calling me into new places, places of creativity, places where I am out of my element. For the most part, I naturally operate out of my giftings. Worship leading, being a leader at work, starting nonprofits.

But now...God is saying, don't choose what your gifts dictate. Don't choose what may come naturally to you. Choose the harder thing, choose God and what He wants to release, which may or may not come naturally to me.

See choosing the harder thing = pressing into weakness = requires faith

Have you ever engaged in something that seems way-less? That feels so impossible that you tangibly feel the weight of your inadequacy? You tangibly experience your zero?

Most of us don't because this is supremely uncomfortable. It's stressful, its unnerving and frankly, it's really inconvenient.

See, God specializes in glorifying Himself in way-less places. In places where humanly there is no way forward. In places that seem at a standstill, paralyzed, stuck, hopeless.

But to experience His glory, we must choose to be weak. Choose hard things. Choose to peer into the darkness and discover the treasure. We will never discover, if we don't press in and if we don't press in, we will never truly know His glory or be launched fully into the great purposes God wants to establish in and through us.

Being a mother feels like a way-less place. The possibility of preaching in church feels like a way-less place. Seeing homelessness in Skid Row come to an end most definitely feels like a way-less place.

I could easily run. It would be so much e a s i e r. Just say no, self-protect, "take a break," say I'm too busy, say I need rest. These aren't bad things, but in this season, I know these are pathetic excuses.

I have to P R E S S in. Face my fears, face my inadequacy, choose the much harder thing. Peer into the dark. Find my way to the secret places, the places that aren't always fun, successful, or productive, but SO full of God.

What is my secret place in this season? What is the "dark" God is calling me to peer into? What is my weakness I'm supposed to press into?

I think for me, it's pressing into the fact that I can't make myself get pregnant. I am totally at the mercy of God. And instead of running from this fact, I need to make a home there. I need to build a home within this reality, within this truth and dwell here until God moves.

I think for me, it's pressing into the fact that God will always call me into things that I can't do without Him. Where's the fun in only doing things you are good at? Suck at something every day, I think is another way of saying, press into weakness. Whether that's being a mother, song-writing, preaching, being an executive, advocating, I will need to face my inadequacy and learn to find the bridge from my inadequacy to Jesus and make Him my starting point.

See so that's the ultimate truth: pressing into weakness means finding a way to Jesus and making Him your starting point. So it's not your inadequacy or even your pressing in or choosing that is the starting point. It's actually Jesus, deep intimacy and oneness with Jesus.

So choosing the hard thing = pressing into weakness = requires faith = makes Jesus your starting point

So this season of creativity is going to be marked by weakness. But in the midst of this weakness, I get to make Jesus the starting point of all things and that can only lead to His glory and my ultimate joy.

N., I haven't written to you in so long. Mainly because writing to you forces me to press into areas of extreme weakness. Areas where I doubt you will ever come, areas where I'm not sure if I can hear from God, areas where I question my ability to ever be a good mother, bear a child, be in labor, care for you, shepherd you well.

You will be the greatest creation in my life. This I know. I still long for you.